Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Team Whammo and the Blast from the Past

Having been hurtled through millions of particles of star-dust by a cosmic hurricane, sending Team Turbo 'awhammo-ing far beyond the Guster Cluster, where Team Whammo had just finished kicking some major ass ( and by kicking it, I mean gettin' some! ), and taking in all the good vibrations and 'giggidy-giggidy' giddiness that comes with the territory, that is and was the Guster effect, being a jolt of super-charged electrons from a proton blast of epic proportions culminating in supernova from rocking so hard that it hurt, and yet managing to keep the cosmic bed fairly well intact, Benito had discovered the infamous 'Backstage Pass' by opening up millions and millions of Guster Cluster chocolate bars, finally to discover the one and only which contained the magic white-chocolate. Oh, ev'n that creamy goodness which passes over the tongue like a school of dolphins jumping over the moon in one's mouth and then coming back for more, but not before the self-same liquor has been found and swigs taken all round! Unfortunately for Team Whammo, that state of euphoria was not to last, and so they crashed... into the moon.

Benito: "Cap'n, where the hell are we?"

Captain: "You're on the far side of the galaxy, Benito. hehehe... Just a moment, I'm calculating your coordinates now."

Benito: "Roger that. Turbo, where the hell are you?!"

Admiral Nelson: "They fell into a bog, Benito."

Benito: "Ooh, what happened?"

Admiral Nelson: "Yeah, Colonel DeSantis and I saw 'em go down. Nasty. Turbo and the First-mate were last seen crashing into a dense part of the jungle. We think they crashed and fell into a bog. We haven't heard from 'em since. But Turbo did tell us that the First-mate's ejector seat mal-functioned and sent her hurtling into a coco-nut tree.

Benito: "Ouch! Those coco-nuts sure do pack a punch! Where were Brad and Laura when we needed them? They're supposed to be good at the swoop, catch, and lay scenario.

Colonel DeSantis: "I can help you on that one, Benito. They've just completed an extended tour of the Canadalia system en route to the other side of the galaxy, which some call the "West Side", but also known more colloquially as the home of the late-great ghetto super-stars of our time. In other words, they've gone AWOL.

Benito: "They've gone galactic, aye?"

Colonel DeSantis: "Yep. Oh, the Turbo drive is kicking in. That can only mean one thing...

Team Whammo: Ka-dunk-ah-dunk, Turbo's back!

Benito: Sweeeet. Captain! [on the communicator] What news?

Captain: Well, it took some geometrical and hyper-galactic triangulation, but I finally found you, Benito. You're on the Emerald Isle, a habitable meteor on a remote part of the star-system known as Midd Clusters. Now, if you can get to the nearby moon known as 'Bedrock's coco-pebbles', that would be great and from which point I can beem y'all out of there. I'd come down there myself, but I don't like chocolate.

Benito: Right. Thanx, Cap'n. We'll relay our position from the far side of the moon.

Captain: Copy that. over n out.

While the rest of Team Whammo make themselves comfortable on the island, laying together on the beach as Chew-micca begins weaving a rough hammoc, Benito goes to climb a coco-nut tree. Glancing behind it, he finds something.

Benito: "Why, hello. Looks like we've found something, boys!

Steph: "I'm a Smurf."

Benito: "Right, and I'm Benito Mussolini."

Steph: "I talk to smurrels."

Benito: "Oh my, it really is a smurf. Yo, chek it! I found a cute lil' Smurf, you guys!

Steph: "I am fluent in over two-hundred forms of verbal and non-verbal communication.

Benito: "Rowrrr. Wait a... it's a Fem-bot! Quick, lend me my boomerang!

(Benito whips out his boomerang.)

Admiral Nelson: "Wait, no, that's not a Fem-bot. That's Steph the Friendly Smurf!

Benito: "Oh, sorry. Well, you can never be too careful around the Midd Clusters. They tend to bunch up and stick to your teeth, and then you have a real dental case on your hands! Nah, we could use another Communications Officer. Commander Kane, welcome aboard! Now, if we could just get our hands on a ship...

Colonel DeSantis: "I got Turbo on the line! Yo, Benito's landed!

Turbo (on the far-side of the moon): Benitooooooo!

Benito (grabbing the communicator): Guess what, Turbo?

Turbo: What's good, my brotha?

Benito: We got ourselves a new Commando! Commando Kane, the friendly Smurf.

Turbo (emerging from the bushes with the First-mate on his shoulders and helping himself to some Booza-hol from the haul of the destroyed ship's cabin cupboard): What's that, Benito? You're going commando? haha. Yeah, let's set the beat!

Turbo begins removing Benito's shirt, as Em turns on some "Sexy Back" and everyone de-robes. Nick, on the other hand, starts getting his freak on, moving back-to-back with Turbo.

Benito (after a few moves on the dance floor): That's all very flattering, but I was referring to...

Benito gesticulates toward Steph the Friendly Smurf, who has woven some of Chew-micca's leaves together into a hoola-skirt and has begun performing a 'luu-ow'.

Nick: Whammo!

Turbo (raising his flagon): To Whammo!

Benito: Here we go again...

Steph makes like a smurf and starts giggling behind the coco-nut tree.

Turbo: All together now!
Team Whammo: "It's Whammo; it's whammo....."

Stay tuned for another adventure from the Adventures of Team Whammo, and see how Team Turbo tackles this tricky situation in... Team Whammo and the Flight to the Far Side of the Moon!

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Team Turbo and the Captain's Missing Drawers

When we last left Team Turbo, the Cancerous-Cookie was just beginning to crumble under the watchful eye of General Christopher A. Abbott and the rest of the Turbo crew, they were all kicking back for a nice cruise down memory lane: Turbo and the Colonel were going on about their successes on the Beer-Pong Circuit of the Universe, and were pondering whether to join the traveling Pongs of Fury or try their hand on the Senior Tour, as H.T. and Canadia were doing it "Brad and Laura style" in the background by their little robot-dog who had just turned bright magenta-orange, and Benito was looking at the bottom of the barrel, when suddenly the Captain had an epiphany.

Benito: “Why oh why is all the rum gone?”

Captain: “But why, oh why, are my pants missing?”

Admiral Nelson: “Why, Turbo just ate them in passing.”

Colonel DeSantis: “That’s impossible! You must be a bit tipsy, Admiral. Not even Turbo with his Boozahol abilities could withstand the effects of such a colossal snack as that of the Captain’s underpants. No, it was most certainly Chew-micca!

The First-Mate: “Chew-micca! Why did you eat the Captain’s underpants?”

Turbo (from the background): "Has anybody seen my pants?"

And so was all of Team Turbo left to wonder, while meanwhile… Commander Twelker had just agreed to undertake a special project on their behalf, which was in close accord, yet unknown to they themselves, with the Captain, but by all means benefiting the larger goals of Team Turbo. Having been too ill to accompany Commander Twelker on his mission, a top-down request on the part of his superiors, that he travel back to the galaxy known as Baked Alaska, but not having traveled that far south as to encounter those more baked citizens of this particular region known as the Anchorage Zone, but instead having voyaged past the twilight beyond to a little known part of this galaxy known as Juno, being surrounded on all sides by cosmic swirls of milky-white substance that drop down chocolate chunks of pouring hail on this quaint little island planet, in affiliation with Jupiter, yet distinct in and of itself, and let it be known, in extremely close contact with the Alliance! Though small, it is considered to be the capital of Baked Alaska and one that turns out many of the best baked islanders that go on to be high-quality engineers. At this time it was made known to the Commander that there was to be had a competition further south in which those engineer-minded physicists would be engaging in the highest levels of competition with like-minded individuals of similar age and backgrounds, all competing in their designs of the fastest “speeder-bike”. Yet Karlo’s design was unique in its configuration, using his advanced studies in this cutting-edge technology to his own advantage, and thusly coming up with a high-bred jet-propulsion engine, harnessing the powers of Foo-Shawn, which also happens to be a religion in the far-Eastern sections of the Turbonic Galaxy, to devastating consequences, or at least that is what Commander Twelker hopes to bring to the Baked Alaskan table this year and the grander Team Turbo at large. Mmmmmmmm. You just got served!

From what the Lieutenant has gathered, however, from his interviews with the Captain, who has himself been enrolled in late-night classes taught by recently-retired Sergeant Wilson of the Klingon Federations’s Alpha-fleet, XX Star-Command, in an effort to understand the complexities involved in such an endeavor, yet understanding well its importance to the larger goals of USS Endeavor’s elite force space squadron, on rendez-vous for tactical assistance with main Turbo HQ, but such were the circumstances upon which Team Turbo found itself, helpless to resist the alternatives to Bilithium H-Carbonate, which Endeavor had been using for fuel ever since the massive quantities have it had been discovered aboard the XXX Star-Command vessel known as Alpha-Centauri Maximus Prime, “Maxi” for short, which had just completed a routine circuit through the Medeira System, encountering countless numbers of meteors in the process, and finding a prominence of Lithium within the sulfuric meteor-field itself known to all as Eratreas-Centauri. While Bilithium H-Carbonate runs a good ship given a good hyper-speed headwind, its bi-products include that substance, also of a milky-white disposition yet altogether milkier and gooier, known as Hieroglythic-Iodide-Tachychloric Enzo-meteor extract, or HIT ‘EM for short, but which the infamous foxy karts of this star system call White-Coco, referred to also as the toothpaste from Hell, in which he claims certain remote groups of nomadic farmers chomp down on regularly, though these planets be few, within the Snuggle-Me-Elmo Galaxy, and which might also resemble a kind of runny oreo-cookie-like substance here on Planet X. In any event, and indeed, its effects can still be seen clearly enough on the flip side in its close relative resemblance to the Milky-Way. Oh, and by the way, what a curious concoction of spirits can be found here, both good and bad. However the case may be, Endeavor does not mess around, having secured clearance to distribute its waste along the 48th parallel of Snuggle-Me-Elmo, which incidentally corresponds to the very place at which heightened security measures have caused a disruption at the epi-center of the core in one of the lesser-known planets, ending in a Q.

Stay tuned for the next adventure of Team Whammo: “Detour around the Guster Cluster”!!! being then a compendium to the Adventures of Team Whammo.

Good luck making it in the real world this year everybody! Which goes for Benito as well, although he does not quite yet comprehend its significance, nor what importance it may hold in the eyes and the missions of Team Turbo.