Having fully recovered from the onslaught of raining cows and bears, Benito and Felatio looked out upon the icy, arctic waters. The turgid, red waves lapped against the bobbing yellow island in this calm, dark land of ice and punch. The ice blocks colliding against each other sounded faintly in the deep, like brightly singing bells, as the white-chocolate penguins jumped from block to block.
"I gotta get me some penguin-jumping skills!" said Benito darkly.
"And I gotta get me some of that Vermouth!" exclaimed Dr. Felatio, getting down on all fours and extending a leg over the edge while holding onto Benito's with one arm.
"No!" exclaimed Benito. "You'll tip us over!" and pulled Felatio back on shore.
Now arm in arm, they looked out across the endless miles of punch towards the setting sun. "What do you want to be when you grow up, Benito?" asked the good doctor. "Well, right now I'm just enjoying that setting sun over the horizon and thinking of all the good times we've had thus far. It's been quite a journey from the jungles to the moon and back. Enough adventuring to fill a lifetime, I'm sure." -- "Oh, surely you don't mean that, Benito. You're only just beginning the grandest adventure of all, afterall." -- "Perhaps you're right, Felatio, but when I look out at that setting sun across the impossibly vast reaches of ice and punch, I wonder...
(Benito paused) "Say, is it just me or has the sun suddenly decided to start rising again?" The tiny blip on the horizon appeared to be rising again from the depths of the waters.
Dr. Felllatio: No, I think you've got a good point there, Benito. The sun is decidedly not going under. I guess it decided to skip out on sleep and get a headstart on the next day! Silly black 'ol sun!
Benito: You know, I've heard about these days in the arctic from our good friend Commander Twelker in a galaxy far, far away. He told me how the sun sometimes comes very close to setting near the horizon, only to rise right back up again. It has something to do with the summer solstice, I believe.
Dr. Felllatio: Ah yes, the months of endless days and sunlight.
Benito: Yeah, it's great if you like to do it in the light. Solves energy problems to boot!
Dr. Felllatio: Why yes, and one could even go so far as to collect it with the help of solar panels and then store it for future use.
Benito: Like the days of endless darkness and despair.
Dr. Felllatio: Precisely. Well, they wouldn't be full of despair with all the stored energy one would have at his fingertips, now would it?
Benito: No, I suppose not, but the world would still be dark.
Dr. Felllatio: Ah, you speak of the dark night of the Whammo... (quoting Scripture) "The world was dark and void, and a great darkness covered the face of the deep when the spirit of Whammo began moving over the waters, and so did the force of the Whammo create a churning and a whirling, as even the creamiest of chocolate milkshakes does when propelled by the swankest of blenders. And so was the Whammo spread, spilling out into every Whammo-licious drink in the galaxy, and even unto those drinks made with 'The Benito Kiss of Death' frozen daquirea mixer and beyond!
Benito: Say, Felatio, I don't mean to interrupt...
Dr. Felllatio: No, Im quite finished now.
Benito (making a looking-glass with his hand): But I think our energetic sun is getting closer.
Dr. Felllatio: Well, I'll be flayed!
The great sun loomed larger and larger in their frame of view. At first it had only been a little blip on the horizon, but as it got closer and closer, getting bigger and bigger, the large burning mass began to appear less like a flaming circle, and more of a circular object with a little protrusion on top every other second, as if the sun were having a dipole moment every other second. It was rather hypnotizing as Benito and Felatio watched it getting closer. There was certainly some discernible motion in the body and its doppled appearance was beginning to become more and more clear as the bloody, boiling sun transformed into a cool, moist body: the bumps, mere indentations on an otherwise perfectly smooth surface, were also being made clear, as it neared their position in the punch bowl. Such a soft, smooth surface was not to be found on any other body, ideal for sucking on after taking a flaming shot with the Vermouth from the deepest regions of the giant punch-bowl.
Benito: Prof. BackDoor! How nice of you to join us. We were just speaking of you a moment ago and reflecting on your great Meteorological powers.
Professor Backdoor was in surprisingly good shape, having run tread-mill style across the frozen pond atop a giant orange to join Benito and Felatio on the other side. He stopped running to stand proudly on his prized fruit with hands on hips and a thumb on either side of his snowpant suspenders. He glided in then for a ripe landing as the two fruits gently collided and made a smooth landing to join his friends.
"Well done, Professor!" said Dr. Fellatio, patting his colleague on the back. "I see all your hours in the gym have paid off. You were off in the "love corner", getting your sexy back on next to the large mirror, foretelling future Whammoes, no doubt!"
"Now, Felatio, play nice!" said Benito. "Let's celebrate", responded Prof. Backdoor.
:Doctor, if you'd be so kind as to pull the Whammo stick out of my coat pocket, thank you. Now, I was going to use this..." -- "Don't get any ideas!" interjected Benito, pulling up his snowpants. "...to get us out of this blasted place..." -- "I don't know if that's such a good idea" said Felatio following. "...but since this place seems to look down on ideas..." And without thinking twice, Prof. Backdoor extended his whammo-ing stick deep into the waters of Vermouth to take a sip, letting each of them have a go.
"Perfect" said Benito. "Exquisite" said Felatio. Then the clever Professor pulled his stick back in to extend the saber end, hacking off three large pieces of lemon and one large slice of orange. The lemon they used for their shots of Vermouth, and the orange as desert, and there was much rejoicing.
"There's only on more thing", said Dr. Fellatio. "Just how are we going to get off this blasted heath now?!" -- "I'd call the Captain" said Benito, "But my communicator got punched a long time ago." -- "No worries" said Prof Backdoor, pointing to the sky, "I think we've got company." And sure enough the Bush plane was making a landing in the Vermouth, and who should pop out but Commander Twelker.
"We're saved!" said all three at once. "I wouldn't count your penguins just yet", said Commander Twelker, "We've still got a ways to go before we touch down in the land of Juno. C'mon, hop on!" They all four boarded the Bush place, Benito riding in the cock-pit alongside Commander Twelker, and the silly academics rode in the back.
As they soared up into the sky, across the miles and miles of punch and ice, flying past the edge of the punch-bowl, Commander Twelker made sure to point out the Captain's spilled Animal Crackers and Em & Nick's package of frosted bears on the table with a smile. "There are all the goodies!" he said, "Too bad we can't stay for a snack." -- "Oh, here you go!" said Benito, pulling some white chocolate out of his concealed pocket and giving it to Karlo. "Happy Valentine's Day!"
But things did not end happily ever after just yet, for suddenly the plane lurched forward as Commander Twelker struggled at the controls. "Oh, no" said Benito, "It's Chew-micca!" And indeed, the first-mate's dog had caught them by the tail. "Quick!" said Karlo, "Use the radio to send out a distress signal to Team Whammo!" Benito hurriedly grabbed at the plane's radio frequency nobs and speed-dialed a distress to General Christopher A. Abbot.
The whole crew had gathered for a final evening of festivities before the final stretch known as Feb Graduation, when Chris suddenly felt like he had worms and said,
Abbott: Where's Benito?
Nelson: I don't know. He was so excited for this Snowpants or No Pants Party. Do you know where he is Steph?
Kane: (making a sad face) :P
First-Mate Tabor: Wait, I'm getting a call. I think it's Benito!
All: Benito!
DeSanti: Oh, Benito.
Benito: I don't have time to explain. Just tell Micah to drop the toy airplane!
Tabor: How did you... wait, are you standing right outside the window, Benito?
Abbott: Benitoooo!
Benito: Yeah, I'm climbing up the storm-drain... Just do it!
Tabor: Haha. Ok, Benito. {...} Micca, no!
Benito, Karlo, & co.: Hoorah!
[Karlo flew them out the door then, as Benito waved a final goodbye to his friends on Team Whammo, relaxing as they sipped their cups of punch and watched back-to-back episodes of 'Scrubs'.]
Benito (to himself): Truly, never a finer hour was ever wasted there.
And now, the drinking recipe for the flaming flamingo of Vermouth, as promised (aka 'the Venezia': and for all those who 'non parla italiano', "the Venice" ). Serve it chill at the closest Snowpants/ No Pants party near you!
Ingredients
4 parts Gin
3 parts Peach liqueur
3 parts Dry Vermouth
1 drop Blue Curacao
Mixing Rules aka 'Rules of the Whammo'
Mix in a punch-bowl and serve in a cocktail glass, or other suitable cup for the partaking of whammo-licious liquor. When you drink this all of you, you shall remember all the said good times recounted herein, and as the great Spock-a-Dot-Pants once said,
"Go forth and whammo!"
