Benito's Log

Yoooo! Karlo n Benito Together Again! Happy Valentine's Everybody!!

2010-02-16T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well, it was that time of year again, when all of Team Whammo was left to wonder out the whereabouts of its other members. Luckily enough, General Christopher A. Abbott and Second Mate Tabor were engaged. Well, who says there can't me marriages among members of the crew? Well, that's just what is set to happen sooner rather than later... They've got a nice place up around the Guster Cluster.

In other news, Emily is chilling her heels up in Planet B. It's a cool place and Benito plans on checking it out in the near future, while Colonel DeSantis hangs out in DC. But who else is on the Lonely Planet but Benito! And who should appear one day from the other side of the galaxy but one Commander Twelker, fresh from his two and 1/2 years on the job. He came out all smiles with a couple of other compatriots who had all been experimenting with high levels of Xenon on Planet X.

"Hey, Benito!" said Karlo, "Great to see you!"

"Likewise," said Benito, "Happy V-Day!"

And so it was. A nice Valentine's surprise for Benito, who was Karlo's secret crush from the Middlebury moons. Former roommates and best buds for life, now together on the Lonely Planet.

They cruised out in their private hummer-scooter, humming across the surface of the planet with Benito's private driver. The others crammed in the back. Then they were off, heading a course for the center of the sphere, namely downtown. They passed first by the main HQ of the planet, a large white looking square building with plenty of funding for projects like that being carried about by Karlo and his compadres. Then they headed to see some monuments to the founders of this great planet, including one Abraham Oda and the Mash-Mash Monument. They even went by the monument for those who were unrighteously imprisoned during the last Ice Age. And it was certainly one frosty time of year to be sure! with more snow accumulation than the Planet Hoth (Star wars: Episode V)!! But still it was quite frosty and Benito figured it was time to quote him: so he took out his volume from the planet Earth:

"Some say the world will end in fire, some in ice,
But from what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-Robert Frost

That was quite some kind of inspiration! remarked Karlo, having heard the poem before, but finding it especially special at this moment. So, they then continued on, toward a far of moon, known as the Moon of Chin-Chin/ Kompasaaka. It was quite something indeed moreover, for the Wizards were playing. More on that later! For now, the fab five, who were kinda looking for a local 'Five Guys' restaurant, headed to this moon and went first down and then across and held a conference. How in the world would they come to find the appointed place, that was like finding Mongolia on a map. Using their high-power communique devices, however, they were able to pinpoint their destination. Well, that is what they would say later ,however for now they were content to follow some friendly advice.

"I could have sworn the moon's crater was right here!" said Benito.

"Uhh, actually" said Juanito the Native "It was removed and smoothed over just the other day!" Welcome to the new far side of the moon! Well, I'll be, said Benito. Oh, deary me!

But it was quite something for this restaurant on the far side of the moon and they all shared a meal 'family style', watching the Galactic Olympics on the far screen. When they were all finished, Benito waved a longing goodbye to the little waving kitty.

Next step was the Super-sonic cooridor from which little atoms would be colliding into each other at lightning speed! They first made via super shuttle to the Bohemian Caverns, looking for a little light here on the dark side of the moon. You look like you're lost, said the bouncer. I've never been here, admitted Benito, but I hear this is the home of soul. And so did they all look for a soul in the snow and ice, but couldn't find any, and so they made their way back across the land. it was quite something. But there was no room in the inn, so to speak, the CAVERNS being inhabited by strange beasts that made a weird music called jazz. But so much for that, for they were headed back in the other direction. So to find there final destination, which would be the ExTreme End of the Galaxy. And so they took off at warp speed, Benito leading the way. They came, they saw, they drank and made merry.

The next day, Benito agreed to meet the Commander at the foot of the Mash-Mash Monument. Together they took off for to find some genuine Jeffersonian Democracy here on the lonely planet. It was lightly snowing, but was a pleasant walk nonetheless. They talked about fusion in the hull and how to make their new spacecraft as fast as can be. Karlo found an anurism in the subspace quadro-hole before coming upon the monument itself. They circumnavigated the lake of despond before coming upon the statue of Buzz Jefferson, who first saw the rings of Cupid. Naming them after Galileo's daughters 'cause they was hot!!! Well, we are on the lonely planet, afterall. No worries, they all said. Then the Commander chatted it up with one of the officials at the monument, who gave Benito and Karl a little tour. "Ah, yes" said the guard, "That's the problem statement." Well, it was all well and good that Buzz owned alien slaves, since a lot of people on that planet did at the time. But they had not much time, so they made off in the direction of Subspace 9. It was a good walk, back the way they had come and then around the Holocaust Museum, where many a good Jew was laid to rest and they did pay homage.

Finally they made it to the worm hole, which they jumped in without further hesitation and made it to the University of the lonely planet where they caught the cruiser and took them home. it had been a solid visit by Commander Twelker and briefed Benito's sister on her next mission, should she choose to accept it. As for Karlo, eager to get back to work, he was headed back to the far side of the galaxy and all was well and good, no doubt having made many connections during his time at the conference on Planet X. They embraced one final time before Karlo hit light speed, headed back across the far reaches of the galaxy into intergalactic outer space using the power of fusion, the way of the future, that always has been and always will be. Wiser words were never said, not by Jefferson or Einstein. Captain Andrew s. Einstein, that is! Hahahahaa. Peace.

Conquering the World (One Middlebury Moon at a Time)

2008-09-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, a super secret transmission came into HQ, there was sent a message encoded which, when un-coded, read something like this: "There has a been a distress call... Please come to a super secret gathering of Team Whammo!" And so were all forces mobilized to this call. The exact details were yet unclear, yet the message was undeniable. Team Whammo was being called again for a return flight!!

H.T. revved up the Banana Boat at that moment, just as Le Chef Turbo put his 'Chef Ship' into overdrive. Colonel DeSantis came in his hot ride, fashionably late to the table. And the Captain came dressed to impress with a brand new ship to his credit. Bravo, Captain! Others gathered there included Canadalia, Blindey, Mistress Oliver, and taking the place of the friendly Smurf for this voyage was a friendly PollyWoggle known as Ms. Guiliano.

With the friendly advice "Not to Panic" was texted to everyone below, for all were wondering about the whereabouts of Benito, but not before a holographic message was transmitted via satellite radio through Chewmicca's collar of Senior Veteran Medeiros, which served to update the members of Team Whammo as to the details of their mission.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go to the Dark side of the moon..."

But we've already been to the Dark Side of the Moon! interjected Colonel DeSantis.

"Listen, listen..." insisted the General.

"On your mission," continued Medeiros, "You shall have to find a crater lake known as Lake Do-No-More at which point you shall hear screeches from the forests. Yes, there are jungle forests on the dark side: do not obey the screeching. Hold your ears. For they shall lead you to peril. Now, there is a narrow passage that you must find and through which you must travel. Coming along steady through this cavernous zone, you shall eventually arrive at that hallowed place under a waterfall where lies the body of one Nicholas Garza. At said location has opened up a Worm-Hole through which you must travel. Good luck and may the Whammo be with you!"

"Well, that's it!" said General Christopher A. Abbott, awakening from his four-day slumber the next day. "We've gots to go and put the frizzle on this nizzle bizzle!"-- "I can help!" interjected Ms. G. Just give me a gun. "A girl with a gun, now that's something you don't see every day" said Abbott, "I rather like the idea!"-- "Watch it, there, big boy!" interjected the Colonel, "Let's not go overboard just yet-" (Everyone looked out the window to see the meandering creek far below.) "How do we know she can even handle a fire-arm? Just because she's from South Dakota... that don't mean she knows how to skin an otter clean!"

"Well," said the General, turning to Ms. G who had dropped her pale in the engine fires, "Are you ready to assist us on this mission?"

"Well" responded Ms. G, "I can now see Canada from my house!" -- "Oh, Canada.." began the Colonel, the rest of Team Whammo joined in, H.T. exhibiting his fine bravado and Turbo all smiles. "I think we have a winner!"

With that, they all took off to find the mysterious crater lake where supposedly a secret cave lay hid in some dark place near to the final resting place of one Nick Garza.

Meanwhile....

Benito was off doing some of his own investigating. It had been rumored that one Nicholas Garza had passed through these parts in the past and Benito was going to find out for sure. He put on his special flotation shoes and shimmied across the CFA pond. Where could he be? After plumbing the depths of the CFA pond for a full four hours, he took to the woods. Taking to the air now, Benito hovered above the woods on the outskirts of the golf course. He had used the CFA roof for leverage where some little Chinese children had been flying their magic kites and now used his Go-Go Gadget Goggles to get a good look at the flora and fauna below. He could see each caterpillar that crept along a log or any frog that jumped from a watery ditch. As each image passed his high-tech glasses, it would note it inside the database and send it to Whammo HQ for processing for to see and if there were any signs on 'the Path of Nick Garza'.

"This is getting a bit taxing" thought Benito, rounding the next bunker. He considered enlisting his friends in the Language Schools of Italian and Japanese for help, but he would not have to go far. There, on the next tee, was the Japanese commander, General Michael S. Luby: "Bomb and burn 'em til they quit!" was the General's command. Then Benito spotted the opposing general waving a yellow flag: None other than Antoninonino Nino Reggio from the Italian Radio Station. And who was standing in the middle of the fairway but Colonel En-sign Jay Parini, esquire from the Breadloaf Writer's Conference. This is how the process came in to those at Whammo HQ, although there was no one to receive it, for they were all off at the crater lake (!);

"Suddenly, way off at about 2 o'clock, I saw a glow on the horizon like the sun rising, or maybe the moon. The whole of the Eleventh Hole was below me, stretching from wingtip to wingtip, ablaze in one enormous fire with yet more fountains of flame pouring down from the B-29s. The black smoke billowed up thousands of feet, causing powerful thermal currents that buffeted my hover-craft severely, bringing with it the horrible smell of burning flesh.” Around 100,000 insects died; a million were rendered homeless.

Benito, lucky to be alive, careened his craft over to a resting spot nearby in order to assess his damages. Sitting down to massage his own legs, a butterfly happened to land on his knee, bringing to mind Julia Alvarez's "In the Time of the Butterflies". Then, Benito had it! He ran quickly back to Whammo HQ, passing by the flying kites and all the little children. He took the 'sweet escape' route through the secret nitch in the bushes above the CFA parking lot, which intersected with the residential neighborhood at an undisclosed location, though formally the site of one Commander Kord and one Lieutenant 'Teacher of European History-X'. Faster than a speeding bullet, as if he were in hot pursuit of the Golden Snitch, Benito flew back to base. Coming to the bridge in town, Benito jumped.

Down, down, down he fell into the swirling mist of water and disappeared.

Meanwhile...

"Here's the blasted lake, but where's the blasted cave!" said Le Chef Turbo.

"I don't know" said Ms. G, "But Medeiros said it'd be around here somewhere."

"Yes, but we've been walking around this lake for hours" interjected H.T.

"It is rather nice," said Miss Oliver, handling the situation with a healthy dose of positive reinforcement.

"Yes" said Ms. G and sighed. "I wish Ms. Caeli were here. She'd know what to do. She always comes through in a clinch."

"Yes," agreed the Captain, "Or Benito. Speaking of which, has anybody seen Benito recently?"

"I thought he was with you," said the Colonel. "Remember, you're supposed to keep him on a short leash, as it were."

Chewmicca made some funny noise at the sound of that in the background at that point.

'Well, we're going nowhere fast at this rate', said Turbo. "How about some rounds back at the home base?" Cheers were heard all round, except for the Captain and Ms. G. who had bigger fish to fry. They all decided to go out to the Walloping Wombat that night.

Back at base, Team Whammo pre-gamed with a number of fun and exciting games, including Catch Phrase and Taboo. What fun was to be had at Whammo HQ! Coming out into the night, a bit tipsy to say the least, they found to their great surprise none other than Benito coming towards them from across the street.

"There he is!" said Colonel DeSantis, catching sight of him first. "Benito!" they all exclaimed. "Where have you been?" they all wanted to know. "Well," said Benito, "It was quite a day. I traveled through space and time to get here that took me to far-away galaxies in an effort to reclaim the past.

"So... I take it you found the worm hole?" said Ms. G.

"Yes, I did. And I found it in the most unlikeliest of fashions. Meditation: you should try it sometime!"

Then all of Team Whammo went off to celebrate at the Wombat and all that night and there was much showing off of the boozahol abilities, especially as the power of the boozahol was with the Turbo, and all the rest were sent into hilarious bouts of laughing which sent them all up the walls crazy, but not before Veteran Medeiros appeared with another quick holographic text-message, which all of Team Whammo viewed off of Turbo's new super-duper cell phone. It read:

"Dear Team Whammo, Sorry for the confusion earlier. When I told you to go to the dark side of the moon, I was strictly speaking metaphorically. My apologies. I hope we can do more business together in the future and I surely hope that you have all enjoyed your stay in Middlebury this weekend! Yours, Claudio." [End of transmission]

"Well, there you have it" said Turbo, "It was all a hoax."

"Well, I don't know about that" said Ms. G. "Perhaps just more of a gimmick."

"Aren't those the same thing"" asked Colonel DeSantis, drunkenly.

"Perhaps they are and perhaps they're not" said Turbo, "I'll have to leave that one to the English and American Literature Majors, but one thing's for certain: I need another drink. I'm running on empty!"

Benito and the Giant Punch-Bowl of Vermouth: Part 2

2008-02-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

Having fully recovered from the onslaught of raining cows and bears, Benito and Felatio looked out upon the icy, arctic waters. The turgid, red waves lapped against the bobbing yellow island in this calm, dark land of ice and punch. The ice blocks colliding against each other sounded faintly in the deep, like brightly singing bells, as the white-chocolate penguins jumped from block to block.

"I gotta get me some penguin-jumping skills!" said Benito darkly.
"And I gotta get me some of that Vermouth!" exclaimed Dr. Felatio, getting down on all fours and extending a leg over the edge while holding onto Benito's with one arm.
"No!" exclaimed Benito. "You'll tip us over!" and pulled Felatio back on shore.
Now arm in arm, they looked out across the endless miles of punch towards the setting sun. "What do you want to be when you grow up, Benito?" asked the good doctor. "Well, right now I'm just enjoying that setting sun over the horizon and thinking of all the good times we've had thus far. It's been quite a journey from the jungles to the moon and back. Enough adventuring to fill a lifetime, I'm sure." -- "Oh, surely you don't mean that, Benito. You're only just beginning the grandest adventure of all, afterall." -- "Perhaps you're right, Felatio, but when I look out at that setting sun across the impossibly vast reaches of ice and punch, I wonder...
(Benito paused) "Say, is it just me or has the sun suddenly decided to start rising again?" The tiny blip on the horizon appeared to be rising again from the depths of the waters.

Dr. Felllatio: No, I think you've got a good point there, Benito. The sun is decidedly not going under. I guess it decided to skip out on sleep and get a headstart on the next day! Silly black 'ol sun!

Benito: You know, I've heard about these days in the arctic from our good friend Commander Twelker in a galaxy far, far away. He told me how the sun sometimes comes very close to setting near the horizon, only to rise right back up again. It has something to do with the summer solstice, I believe.

Dr. Felllatio: Ah yes, the months of endless days and sunlight.

Benito: Yeah, it's great if you like to do it in the light. Solves energy problems to boot!

Dr. Felllatio: Why yes, and one could even go so far as to collect it with the help of solar panels and then store it for future use.

Benito: Like the days of endless darkness and despair.

Dr. Felllatio: Precisely. Well, they wouldn't be full of despair with all the stored energy one would have at his fingertips, now would it?

Benito: No, I suppose not, but the world would still be dark.

Dr. Felllatio: Ah, you speak of the dark night of the Whammo... (quoting Scripture) "The world was dark and void, and a great darkness covered the face of the deep when the spirit of Whammo began moving over the waters, and so did the force of the Whammo create a churning and a whirling, as even the creamiest of chocolate milkshakes does when propelled by the swankest of blenders. And so was the Whammo spread, spilling out into every Whammo-licious drink in the galaxy, and even unto those drinks made with 'The Benito Kiss of Death' frozen daquirea mixer and beyond!

Benito: Say, Felatio, I don't mean to interrupt...

Dr. Felllatio: No, Im quite finished now.

Benito (making a looking-glass with his hand): But I think our energetic sun is getting closer.

Dr. Felllatio: Well, I'll be flayed!

The great sun loomed larger and larger in their frame of view. At first it had only been a little blip on the horizon, but as it got closer and closer, getting bigger and bigger, the large burning mass began to appear less like a flaming circle, and more of a circular object with a little protrusion on top every other second, as if the sun were having a dipole moment every other second. It was rather hypnotizing as Benito and Felatio watched it getting closer. There was certainly some discernible motion in the body and its doppled appearance was beginning to become more and more clear as the bloody, boiling sun transformed into a cool, moist body: the bumps, mere indentations on an otherwise perfectly smooth surface, were also being made clear, as it neared their position in the punch bowl. Such a soft, smooth surface was not to be found on any other body, ideal for sucking on after taking a flaming shot with the Vermouth from the deepest regions of the giant punch-bowl.

Benito: Prof. BackDoor! How nice of you to join us. We were just speaking of you a moment ago and reflecting on your great Meteorological powers.

Professor Backdoor was in surprisingly good shape, having run tread-mill style across the frozen pond atop a giant orange to join Benito and Felatio on the other side. He stopped running to stand proudly on his prized fruit with hands on hips and a thumb on either side of his snowpant suspenders. He glided in then for a ripe landing as the two fruits gently collided and made a smooth landing to join his friends.

"Well done, Professor!" said Dr. Fellatio, patting his colleague on the back. "I see all your hours in the gym have paid off. You were off in the "love corner", getting your sexy back on next to the large mirror, foretelling future Whammoes, no doubt!"
"Now, Felatio, play nice!" said Benito. "Let's celebrate", responded Prof. Backdoor.
:Doctor, if you'd be so kind as to pull the Whammo stick out of my coat pocket, thank you. Now, I was going to use this..." -- "Don't get any ideas!" interjected Benito, pulling up his snowpants. "...to get us out of this blasted place..." -- "I don't know if that's such a good idea" said Felatio following. "...but since this place seems to look down on ideas..." And without thinking twice, Prof. Backdoor extended his whammo-ing stick deep into the waters of Vermouth to take a sip, letting each of them have a go.
"Perfect" said Benito. "Exquisite" said Felatio. Then the clever Professor pulled his stick back in to extend the saber end, hacking off three large pieces of lemon and one large slice of orange. The lemon they used for their shots of Vermouth, and the orange as desert, and there was much rejoicing.

"There's only on more thing", said Dr. Fellatio. "Just how are we going to get off this blasted heath now?!" -- "I'd call the Captain" said Benito, "But my communicator got punched a long time ago." -- "No worries" said Prof Backdoor, pointing to the sky, "I think we've got company." And sure enough the Bush plane was making a landing in the Vermouth, and who should pop out but Commander Twelker.
"We're saved!" said all three at once. "I wouldn't count your penguins just yet", said Commander Twelker, "We've still got a ways to go before we touch down in the land of Juno. C'mon, hop on!" They all four boarded the Bush place, Benito riding in the cock-pit alongside Commander Twelker, and the silly academics rode in the back.

As they soared up into the sky, across the miles and miles of punch and ice, flying past the edge of the punch-bowl, Commander Twelker made sure to point out the Captain's spilled Animal Crackers and Em & Nick's package of frosted bears on the table with a smile. "There are all the goodies!" he said, "Too bad we can't stay for a snack." -- "Oh, here you go!" said Benito, pulling some white chocolate out of his concealed pocket and giving it to Karlo. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

But things did not end happily ever after just yet, for suddenly the plane lurched forward as Commander Twelker struggled at the controls. "Oh, no" said Benito, "It's Chew-micca!" And indeed, the first-mate's dog had caught them by the tail. "Quick!" said Karlo, "Use the radio to send out a distress signal to Team Whammo!" Benito hurriedly grabbed at the plane's radio frequency nobs and speed-dialed a distress to General Christopher A. Abbot.

The whole crew had gathered for a final evening of festivities before the final stretch known as Feb Graduation, when Chris suddenly felt like he had worms and said,

Abbott: Where's Benito?

Nelson: I don't know. He was so excited for this Snowpants or No Pants Party. Do you know where he is Steph?

Kane: (making a sad face) :P

First-Mate Tabor: Wait, I'm getting a call. I think it's Benito!

All: Benito!

DeSanti: Oh, Benito.

Benito: I don't have time to explain. Just tell Micah to drop the toy airplane!

Tabor: How did you... wait, are you standing right outside the window, Benito?

Abbott: Benitoooo!

Benito: Yeah, I'm climbing up the storm-drain... Just do it!

Tabor: Haha. Ok, Benito. {...} Micca, no!

Benito, Karlo, & co.: Hoorah!

[Karlo flew them out the door then, as Benito waved a final goodbye to his friends on Team Whammo, relaxing as they sipped their cups of punch and watched back-to-back episodes of 'Scrubs'.]

Benito (to himself): Truly, never a finer hour was ever wasted there.

And now, the drinking recipe for the flaming flamingo of Vermouth, as promised (aka 'the Venezia': and for all those who 'non parla italiano', "the Venice" ). Serve it chill at the closest Snowpants/ No Pants party near you!

Ingredients

4 parts Gin

3 parts Peach liqueur

3 parts Dry Vermouth

1 drop Blue Curacao

Mixing Rules aka 'Rules of the Whammo'

Mix in a punch-bowl and serve in a cocktail glass, or other suitable cup for the partaking of whammo-licious liquor. When you drink this all of you, you shall remember all the said good times recounted herein, and as the great Spock-a-Dot-Pants once said,
"Go forth and whammo!"

Intermission (while I sober up)

2008-02-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

While you're waiting for the next exciting segment in this, the Valentine's Day Weekend Special Edition of -- the adventures of Benito and Team Turbo, "Flight around the Alaskan Punch-Bowl", why not check out this really cool Blog Site I found of GP & N? You can connect to it direct from this post. They know Whammo-sticks for real!

Benito and the Giant Punch-Bowl of Vermouth

2008-02-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

Indeed, Prof. BackDoor, Dr. Felllatio, and Benito had all landed in the punch. "What in the crazy world is..." started Prof. BackDoor, wiping the sticky red substance from his tweed jacket. "It seems we took a wrong turn through the Vermouthian Triangle and landed in the punch," posited Benito, licking his lips. "Ain't that a crack of old hat!" exclaimed Dr. Felllatio, slipping up again on the ice. "Now if you hadn't had the impulse to spoon us in mid-air..." started Dr. Felllatio, failing in his attempts to stand. "Save it, Fellatio" said Benito, tryingly, testing the Kool-Aid waters with his foot and reaching out to grab his WhiteeCocoa communicator which was floating and resembled a piece of white chalk floating in the punch with his bare toes, which resembled a piece of white chalk floating in the punch, "I'm trying to figure a way out of this blasted Mountain-Blast vacation!"-- "Hold up a minute" interjected Prof BackDoor, "By the boycen-berries on planet Jupiter, I've got an idea." -- "Holy Polar-Bear Klondike bars!" exclaimed Dr. Felllatio, "The professor's got an idea."

Benito: So you've got an idea, do you, Professor.

ProfBackDoor: Why yes, if you'll just bear with me for a moment.

Benito: I don't think we'll have to wait too long for that. Here comes the Polar Express!! (Benito pointed upward as big Polar Bears dropped down from the sky, sending up explosions of red punch and massive waves. Suddenly a redness filled the sky as a huge Bear Tsunami came hurtling towards Benito, Fellatio and the Professor). Quick, help me pull up this kiwi's husk!

The trio labored mightily to pull up the remaining husk, which had been gradually sinking to the bottom of the punch bowl, having a few holes in its underside to say the least! Managing to cover themselves nonetheless with the gigantic kiwi crust just in time as the tsunami of punch closed over them and they were sent, flying-saucer like, high up into the air, surfing their way onto a giant slice of lemon.

Dr. Felllatio: Where's Prof. BackDoor?

Benito: Oh, I'm sure he's just chillin'. Prof Backdoor? Prof Back... is not back there. Well, where in the world of frozen blocks of punch from the Juice Bar could he be?

Dr. Felllatio: I could have sworn he was under the kiwi-husk when the giant tsunami punch wave hit us and...

Benito: Oh, no.

Dr. Felllatio (turning): What?

"Oh, no" repeated Dr. Felllatio, for Prof. BackDoor had fallen out of the kiwi once again to land on another floating object in the punch: an orange.

Dr. Felllatio: Professor Backdoooooor! (trying to get his attention)

Apparently, the Professor was laid out flat, seemingly unconscious on top of the giant orange.

Benito: We've got to save him! After all, he does have a great idea.

Dr. Felllatio: Which is?

Benito: He didn't say... but we can't take any chances out here in this Arctic environment. Maybe some more bears will fall out of the sky.

Dr. Felllatio: Wait, I've got an idea.

Benito: Great, more ideas. Just be careful. Remember what happened the last time you had...

[It started to snow.]

Dr. Felllatio: An idea?

[Suddenly a giant cow dropped out of the sky and landed on Felllatio.]

Dr. Felllatio: Ow.

Benito: Oh, brother.

[To be continued...]

HAPPY NEW YEAR, TEAM WHAMMO!

2008-01-07T20:51:00.001-08:00

This joyful season, we'd like to bring in the new year with a special Whammo-licious celebration, involving lots or juicy Whammo-sticks and delicious punch. Well, read on, faithful readers, read on!

Sweating the Sweet outta Sweetness

2008-01-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

So, where in the world is Benito? Where, pray tell, is that masked crusader? Wait, I think I see something... in the sky. It's a bird, no, maybe it's a plane, no... it's Benito 'Whammo' Powers!! and he's in hot pursuit of that Kiwi5000. "Wow, I wish I could get as good coverage!" exclaimed Admiral Nelson. "Hey, what about the BananaBoat?" responded H.T. looking crest-fallen beside the rest of Team Whammo. "It appears to be wilting, H.T." said Colonel DeSantis. Team Whammo turned their heads, one-by-one, and stared at the BananaBoat2000. Fruit-flies were swarming and it had turned a filthy color, something like a hue of "Firestone" tires. "Well, I'll be!" exclaimed H.T. [Meanwhile, high above them...]

"Yooooo." "What good, Fellatio?" asked Benito, plunging is bright, flashy Whammo-ing spoon deep into the soft underside of the Kiwi5000. "Shlllllop." "Mmmmm" thought Benito, "Dat's some good kiwi flava!" The hairy, outer-hull and husk of the Kiwi5000 was quite sensitive and Dr.Felllatio could feel the spoon's effect from deep inside over his communicator's loud-speaker, which he had had the misfortune to place on "High Volume". "What, in the name of the Holy Bung-Hole is that?" wondered Dr.Felllatio outloud. "Um, I think Benito's trying to shpoon us", said ProfBackdoor. "He ish shpooning ush, you blishtering idiot!" exclaimed Dr.Felllatio, raising his voice. "Only trying to help, sir. You don't need to shout. We are flying in a giant Kiwi, afterall." "And maybe you enjoy getting a spoonful of juicy kiwi up the ass, ProfBackdoor, but I certainly do NOT!" responded an irate Dr. Felllatio. "Well" he said again, collecting himself. "I do fancy a sour, Kiwi-flavored condom... BUT that is only on special occasions (!), such as the Coming of the Kiwi from a lowly kiwi-shed on Kiwi-mas with bananas and pineapples standing by..." -- "Oh, well, I don't take too well to those Mystery-fruit celebrations..." muttered ProfBackdoor. "Just because you haven't seen the Coming of the Kiwi for yourself, doesn't give you the right to... oooooohh!" And Dr. Felllatio takes one in the ass. "Holy shit!" said ProfBackdoor, "You really took one up the ass, there!"

Dr. Felllatio: "Ooohhhh...."

Prof. Backdoor: "Hey, you're having all the fun! I wanna get some kiwi action my... ooohhhhh."

And another spoon breaks through the kiwi's inner-core, if kiwi's had 'inner-cores', but who's counting... Dr. Felllatio and ProfBackdoor feel the juices of the kiwi seeping in from all sides as their heads wipe up against the sides of the Kiwi5000. "Oooohhhh" they utter with glee. Felllatio is getting a particularly good workout as he goes 'Balls of Fury' style on the kiwi's inner-core. Then, Benito's head emerges as he has eaten through the kiwi's outer-layer to the inside of the Kiwi5000. "Mmmmmm, mmmmmmm, good." says Benito, making Dr. Felllatio and Prof. Backdoor eat their own ways to the outside of the KiwiBoat. "Ahhhh," squeeled Prof. Backdoor, "My eye-lids are stuck together!" "Too bad your tongue's so small!" said Dr. Felllatio, licking off the gooey substance with delight, and enjoying the view from above. But it does not last, for half of the Kiwi5000 is eaten up quick in short order by Benito, and thereby do the aerodynamics of the Kiwi5000 change and shift such that up becomes down. Dr. Felllatio and his faithful Prof. Backdoor, behind him all the way, are now hanging upside down in mid-air at 'zero-G's and Benito is saying "Surfs up!" as he cruises toward the moon's surface again in an epic landing. One, two, three times: what is left of the Kiwi5000 skims against the liquidy surface, but finally hits against a large yellow object, and sliding against lots of large, square pieces of ice and large-ish bubbles as they all come to splashy conclusion in the sweet red lake. Benito licks his lips as Dr. Felllatio and Prof. Backdoor struggle mightily to free their heads. He exclaims, "Why, this isn't the moon! It seems we've landed in the punch!"

Next time, on the Adventures of Team Whammo:
DO IT YOURSELF RECIPES: "How to make a wicked Whammo punch!"
Brought to you by "Mini-Bartender", the edition sponsored and signed by Team Whammo!

Chapter III: Journey to the Dark Side

2007-11-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

DrFelllati0937: Omg! I wish you were nearby, Prof. Backdoor. I'm having some major difficulties with this bottle of wine.

ProfBakDor0928: Holy COW! That is such a coincidence. I was just hoping to have a bottle of white with my dinner downstairs.

DrFelllati037: ProfBack, you weren't just about to get your sexy back downstairs, now, were you? You know, we don't play like that, player!

ProfBakDor0928: I know, but those dark spaces really turn me on! It's like so bft 60's, especially with all the black-light posters we got going on down there.

DrFelllati0937: Well, aren't you just a 'lil SSE! I could just put you in a 'lil sauce and fry you with shishkabobs!

ProfBakDor0928: Oh, Doc, you know that the kabobs don't taste half as decent without the special sauce!

DrFelllati0937: You mean, the soy saucy sauce? That somekind of speciall sauce which melts all around the inside of the mouth and then goes toward a drippy conclusion, the likes of which Whammo, for better or worse, will be a conglomeration of the most hyperbolic state gooo-ey pleasure the likes of which this galaxy has ne'er seen in...

{BEEP!} "You have reached your cell-phone's character-limit."

(Together) Muhaha. Muhahahaha. Muuuuuhahaha! Muuuhahaaahaaa {BEEP!}

ASTROSTARWHAMMOPWRS0237: yOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS!

DrFelllati0937: What? How did he get this number?

ProfBakDor0928: He must have hacked onto the computer mainframe VIA satellite, sir.

ASTROSTARWHAMMOPWRS0237: Haha. Whammo!

DrFelllati0937: Alright. ttyl, BakDor.

ProfBakDor0928: Peace out.

At that moment, there is a sound of shattering ice from high above Dr. Felllatio's evil harem of Hell as Benito breaks through, though he experiences a little trouble due to his parachute which gets caught on some of the ice above. Resourceful as ever, Benito cuts himself free with his mini-laser watch and descends to the metal floor without so much as a scratch.

Benito: "No, you peace out!"

Prof. Backdoor: How could he tell what I was texting?

Benito: Easy, I read your dirty, little mind. I may be young with the 'whammo', but I'm still not a bad mind-reader, when push comes to shove. You could well use a mind-reader on your side, I wager.

Dr. Felllatio: We'll put you to the challenge, Benito. If you want to join us, you've got to first defeat Austen 'Whammo' Pwers in hand-to=hand combat.

Benito: C'mon, Pwers. Let's see what you got!

Austen: Oh, Benito. How young you are with the whammo, compared to Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!!

{A brawl then takes place between Benito and Powers. Austen's powers then being weaker after experiencing the torture Of IM instant-messaging and dr. felllatio's text messages, does not fare as well as when his Whammo powers were up to speed. Benito pins him in a half-Nelson on the floor, sticking his face in Felllatio's birthday cake}

Dr. Felllatio: Easy on the cake there, Benito.

Benito: What're you going to do about it, then?

Dr. Felllatio: Challenge you to a game of Soduku.

Benito: Alright, you're on! [Game of Soduku ensues and Benito loses miserably.]

Benito (to Team Whammo): I need back-up!
Alright, Dr. Felllatio, you won at Soduku, but that is a game worthy of dogs who chew the morning papers for breakfast. How about two out of three? This time we'll play a game of my choice: Tic-Tac-Toe!

Dr. Felllatio: Fine. Bring it, Benito! [This game ends in a stale-mate.]
While you may be stronger in the Whammo these days, Benito, it seems you lack staying power!

Benito: Enough! I challenge you to a head-to-head bout of Dance, Dance Revolution!

Dr. Felllatio, in his pride, and thinking that he's still in the 60's or something, does not turn down the challenge. Just as they are about to start on the super-duper fast, mix-it-up section, Team Whammo arrives, crashing through the rest of the ceiling as Benito hits his Star Power. Coming to a crash landing, Team Whammo rolls out of the BANANA Boat in their hoola-skirts and Steph the Friendly Smurf immediately runs over to help Benito as they combine their Whammo-ing powers on the dance pad, picking up a double score! Prof. Back Door tries to back-up his partners, but to no avail. Team Whammo then takes a crate of banana peels from the boat's disposal unit, dumping it on top of Austen to bring his Whammo powers back to their senses. With Austen's powers restored, the balence of Whammo is restored to the galaxy, and there was much rejoicing. "What happened to Dr. Felllatio?" asked Colonel DeSantis after all the excitement had died down on the dark side of the moon. "I thought I could pick up a trick or two..."

"The took off in the giant kiwi!" boomed the Captain's voice from somewhere undetermined, perhaps near the ceiling. And so was Team Turbo left to wonder, but Benito didn't wait around long enough to find out. "peace out!" reflected Benito, and flew off on another adventure .

Next Time in the Adventures of Team Whammo... Beating back the urge to Whammo!

Special Thanksgiving Double-Feature! Team Whammo and the Dark Side of the Moon, Part II

2007-11-26T20:06:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving was happily being celebrated by all aboard the BANANA Boat h37 by the entire host of Team Whammo, as the First-Mate was just then getting busy on General Turbo's sushi-roll, which was soon dribbling with copious amounts of soy-sauce, as well as the Admiral and the Colonel, who had found themselves backing into the custodial closet with much to-do, seeking out their own soy-sauce among the upper shelves, even as Chewmicca was becoming exceedingly interested in Brad the Bard's 'Robo-Dog' who was just then turning a bright shade of magenta and rosy round the face and ears, as Steph the Friendly Smurf was beginning to give Benito interesting, inscrutible facial expressions, even as she spun KFish round ala dossey-do, en route themselves towards the custodian's closet, hoping for a tasty treat, and Brad and Laura at the controls were carving up their own healthy-sized portion of Whammo, as Laura took a break from her Second-Mate position alongside H.T. to try her hand at the Whammo-ing joystick, which hummed and vibrated as they deftly manouvered over the dark side of these here moons.

Suddenly, the Captain rang in for Benito.

The Captain: Benito, have you made contact with Austen 'Whammo' Pwers, yet?

Benito: Well, no, Captain, can't say that I have. I did feel a disturbance in the Whammo, just now, I must admit, but Team Whammo's a bit, how shall we say, busy at the moment.

The Captain: Busy?! I thought you guys were on a mission to save Austen 'Whammo' Pwers from losing his Whammo. Do you have any idea what will become of Austen without his Whammo powers?? The whole fate of the power of Whammo in the galaxy is at stake here!

Benito: Like I say, Team Whammo...

The Captain: For the love of whammo, you've got to get to the dark side, pronto!

{Moaning can be heard from the custodial closet, as well as the faucet in the bathroom, which is turned on full blast, but the sound of the golden Air-Toilette 5000 can still be heard flushing at regular intervals.}

Benito: Now that you mention it, I do remember something in 'The Whammo Times' about Dr. Felllatio needing a new assistant. Maybe I'm the man for the job!

The Captain: No, Benito, absolutely not! I did not mean to insinuate that you should seek to join the actual dark side. I was speaking of the dark side of the moon as you could of course... Benito? Beniiiitoooooo!

But it was too late. At this moment, Benito had jumped through the escape-hatch, leaving Team Whammo behind to their frivolities, and was now hurtling through the clouds down towards the surface of the dark side of the moon

]Meanwhile[

....

Team Whammo and the Dark Side of the Whammo/ Moon Raker with a Whammo-Stick

2007-11-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while since we last saw Team Whammo in action, so to speak, and after all that good turkey, no wonder they were all feeling a little bit sluggish after their picnic on the beach, but do briefly recap...

Team Whammo was just about to get down and dirty with some "Sexy Pop", as Em and Nick were backing it up against the door, while KFish was slip-sliding her way towards the party, and Steph the "Very Friendly" Smurf was just getting her groove on, about to rock it across the universe and beyond the Smiley Way, as Benito and Turbo were holding high their double-fisted toasts in Thanksgiving, when the Captain phoned in with some exciting news: "Looks like a got your ticket out of there, guys!"

Team Whammo: "Awwww..."

Nick in his hoola-skirt and Courtney with her coconut-bra were making sour faces, upset that their spontaneous swamp-side frivolity was being cut short. "Well, isn't that some mean Whammo!"

"Yeah..." continued the Captain. "Anyways, like I was saying, I can get you out, but your going to have to locate 'ol Austin on the far side of the moon. He's got the booster packs you'll need to rocket past this border planet. Commander Twelker could explain it better, but he's on Earth...."

Turbo: "Not Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!"

The Captain: "The same."

Benito: "Well, in that case you can just forget it, Cap'n. There's no way were going all the way to the dark side of the moon to find some hill-billy whose come all the way out here to reconnect with the universe, or some dumb shit like that. Hell, we can't even find our way out of this swamp, and...."

The Captain: "Patience, El Benito. You are still young in the ways of the Whammo and..."

Benito: "Aww, don't give me that Whammo crap. Who believes in the powers of Whammo these days anyhow?"

{Team Turbo looks at Benito, amazed at this audacious statement. It could have just been the light from a 'triple-shot sun', but it was almost as if Admiral Nelson's coconuts noticably began to sag at that moment.}

"Yeah, c'mon. We all know that the powers of Whammo are short-lived. Yes, it gives off short bursts of energy, given the right applications, and in the right situation can lead to brilliant spouts of Whammo for those who are well with the Whammo, but there is also the darker side of Whammo to consider. I mean, we don't even know the whereabouts of Dr. Felllatio and his evil henchmon, Professor Backdoor #2.....

Captain: "I do."

Benito: "Yeah, it's because of people like them that Whammo is so fuckin'... what? You know their coordinates as well??"

Captain: "Yes, as I was about to say, they are holding Austen for ransom on the dark side of the moon."

Steph the Friendly Smurf: "Not Austen! But what about his 'Whammo powers'?

{Benito looks surprised, taken aback that this little smurf should know anything of the powers of the Whammo.}

Captain: "I cannot say, but this much is certain. You must find Dr. Felllatio and his evil henchmon in order to save Austen and restore to him his Whammo powers, in order to use his booster rockets to rocket on past the dark side of the moon, or else the fate of Team Turbo will hang in the balence and potentially be submitted to random and perverse acts of Whammo."

BenitoL: Sounds righteous!
Chew-micca: "Rough."

{The Captain rolls his eyes. General Abbott's looks concerned and wears a furrowed brow.}

The Captain: "Alright, well don't say I didn't warn you! I'm texting you the coordinates... now."

Turbo: "Not all is well with the Whammo." Courtney (in the background): "That's original! Ha!}

Suddenly, Brad and Laura whisk in from behind a coconut tree in a hover-craft, shaped like a giant banana. The front peels open, scooping them all up, and they are all whisked away.

H.T.: HOw do ye like are new B.A.N.A.N.A. h37? iT'S just come on sale on Planet Canadalia and...

Canadalia (turning around with a wide, toothy smile for Team Whammo): ...we went for it!

Team Turbo: Sweeeeeet.

[Meanwhile, on the dark side of the moon...]

Dr. Felllatio is speaking to Austen 'Whammo' Pwers through a large straw ): as he endeavors to hear, but is having trouble as the Bad Doctor keeps dribbling and making a mess, even as the Bad Professor, dressed in sweat clothes and red in the face, towels it all up afterward.

Dr. felllatio927: What are the coordinates of the Whammo Secret Base?

Austen: I dunno. Why don't you ask Team Whammo?

Dr. felllatio927: I'm warning you Pwers! I've got a super-STD-enhancing Lazor, model 9271, orbiting around this moon. And, yep, you guessed it. I'm not afraid to use it!

Austen: Ooh, I'm so scared of your giant lay-ser! Ha! You can't touch me. I'm Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!

ProfBackDor272: Not without your Whammo powers, you ain't!

Dr. felllatio927: That's right. You tell 'em, Backdoor!

ProfBackDor272: Thanks, Dr. Fellll. wtg

Dr. felllatio927: yeah, right. wwwjd.

ProfBackDor272: wdygi?

Dr. felllatio927: wtc.

ProfBackDor272: But did you hear what emf232 had to say?

Dr. felllatio927: No, what was his tgif?

ProfBackDor272: He was like 'ews' to your 'nwrp'!

Dr. felllatio927: lol. Too funny. Backdoor, you're such a fuia!

Austen: Alright, enough with the IN-stan-MESS-aging!

Dr. Felllatio: Right. Austen, we want you to do something for us....

Austen (getting very annoyed now): What do you bimbos want, anyway? Gay sex? 'Cause I'm not adverse to...

Dr. Felllatio (with a glance at Prof. Backdoor): No, I mean, yes, I mean...that is...we want you to die.

Austen: {gulp}

Dr. Felllatio: And by die, I mean a figurative death by having very awkward, drunnken Whammo with a close friend...

Austen: ????

Dr. Felllatio (smiling broadly now and holding up a spiked, smiling dildo, which strangely enough, looks exactly like Dr. Felllatio's head!): "And this!"

{Austen, feeling really weirded out at this point, panics and kicks himself in the balls. That action triggers a re-action on the part of Team Turbo, that is, the male half of Team Turbo, having been getting busy in back with some high-quality, space-age Beer-Pong aboard B.A.N.A.N.A. Boat h37, all suddenly drop to the floor in spasms of pain. General Abbott and Colonel Desantis hop up first, being strong in the Whammo, not to mention those morning wake-up calls after a long night of Beirut and Boozahol.}

KFish: What was that?

Admiral Nelson: You guys eat some bad sushi or something?

Colonel DeSantis: Nah, nah, we're cool. Just a little turbulence in the back of the cabin, that's all.

Courtney (looking around, bewildered): Turbulence? I didn't feel any turbulence...

Turbo: Cheer up, Blindey. You know I'm the only Turbo-lence you feel.

Benito (pointing out the window): Looks like we're getting close to the dark side (of the moon)!

Admiral Nelson: "Who feels like singing?"

Benito: "The Dark Side of the Moon" by R.E.M.?

Admiral Nelson: No, silly. THE song.

Benito: "Oh, right...

Team Turbo: "It's Whammo; it's whammoooo...."

[To be continued...]

Team Whammo and the Blast from the Past

2007-09-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Having been hurtled through millions of particles of star-dust by a cosmic hurricane, sending Team Turbo 'awhammo-ing far beyond the Guster Cluster, where Team Whammo had just finished kicking some major ass ( and by kicking it, I mean gettin' some! ), and taking in all the good vibrations and 'giggidy-giggidy' giddiness that comes with the territory, that is and was the Guster effect, being a jolt of super-charged electrons from a proton blast of epic proportions culminating in supernova from rocking so hard that it hurt, and yet managing to keep the cosmic bed fairly well intact, Benito had discovered the infamous 'Backstage Pass' by opening up millions and millions of Guster Cluster chocolate bars, finally to discover the one and only which contained the magic white-chocolate. Oh, ev'n that creamy goodness which passes over the tongue like a school of dolphins jumping over the moon in one's mouth and then coming back for more, but not before the self-same liquor has been found and swigs taken all round! Unfortunately for Team Whammo, that state of euphoria was not to last, and so they crashed... into the moon.

Benito: "Cap'n, where the hell are we?"

Captain: "You're on the far side of the galaxy, Benito. hehehe... Just a moment, I'm calculating your coordinates now."

Benito: "Roger that. Turbo, where the hell are you?!"

Admiral Nelson: "They fell into a bog, Benito."

Benito: "Ooh, what happened?"

Admiral Nelson: "Yeah, Colonel DeSantis and I saw 'em go down. Nasty. Turbo and the First-mate were last seen crashing into a dense part of the jungle. We think they crashed and fell into a bog. We haven't heard from 'em since. But Turbo did tell us that the First-mate's ejector seat mal-functioned and sent her hurtling into a coco-nut tree.

Benito: "Ouch! Those coco-nuts sure do pack a punch! Where were Brad and Laura when we needed them? They're supposed to be good at the swoop, catch, and lay scenario.

Colonel DeSantis: "I can help you on that one, Benito. They've just completed an extended tour of the Canadalia system en route to the other side of the galaxy, which some call the "West Side", but also known more colloquially as the home of the late-great ghetto super-stars of our time. In other words, they've gone AWOL.

Benito: "They've gone galactic, aye?"

Colonel DeSantis: "Yep. Oh, the Turbo drive is kicking in. That can only mean one thing...

Team Whammo: Ka-dunk-ah-dunk, Turbo's back!

Benito: Sweeeet. Captain! [on the communicator] What news?

Captain: Well, it took some geometrical and hyper-galactic triangulation, but I finally found you, Benito. You're on the Emerald Isle, a habitable meteor on a remote part of the star-system known as Midd Clusters. Now, if you can get to the nearby moon known as 'Bedrock's coco-pebbles', that would be great and from which point I can beem y'all out of there. I'd come down there myself, but I don't like chocolate.

Benito: Right. Thanx, Cap'n. We'll relay our position from the far side of the moon.

Captain: Copy that. over n out.

While the rest of Team Whammo make themselves comfortable on the island, laying together on the beach as Chew-micca begins weaving a rough hammoc, Benito goes to climb a coco-nut tree. Glancing behind it, he finds something.

Benito: "Why, hello. Looks like we've found something, boys!

Steph: "I'm a Smurf."

Benito: "Right, and I'm Benito Mussolini."

Steph: "I talk to smurrels."

Benito: "Oh my, it really is a smurf. Yo, chek it! I found a cute lil' Smurf, you guys!

Steph: "I am fluent in over two-hundred forms of verbal and non-verbal communication.

Benito: "Rowrrr. Wait a... it's a Fem-bot! Quick, lend me my boomerang!

(Benito whips out his boomerang.)

Admiral Nelson: "Wait, no, that's not a Fem-bot. That's Steph the Friendly Smurf!

Benito: "Oh, sorry. Well, you can never be too careful around the Midd Clusters. They tend to bunch up and stick to your teeth, and then you have a real dental case on your hands! Nah, we could use another Communications Officer. Commander Kane, welcome aboard! Now, if we could just get our hands on a ship...

Colonel DeSantis: "I got Turbo on the line! Yo, Benito's landed!

Turbo (on the far-side of the moon): Benitooooooo!

Benito (grabbing the communicator): Guess what, Turbo?

Turbo: What's good, my brotha?

Benito: We got ourselves a new Commando! Commando Kane, the friendly Smurf.

Turbo (emerging from the bushes with the First-mate on his shoulders and helping himself to some Booza-hol from the haul of the destroyed ship's cabin cupboard): What's that, Benito? You're going commando? haha. Yeah, let's set the beat!

Turbo begins removing Benito's shirt, as Em turns on some "Sexy Back" and everyone de-robes. Nick, on the other hand, starts getting his freak on, moving back-to-back with Turbo.

Benito (after a few moves on the dance floor): That's all very flattering, but I was referring to...

Benito gesticulates toward Steph the Friendly Smurf, who has woven some of Chew-micca's leaves together into a hoola-skirt and has begun performing a 'luu-ow'.

Nick: Whammo!

Turbo (raising his flagon): To Whammo!

Benito: Here we go again...

Steph makes like a smurf and starts giggling behind the coco-nut tree.

Turbo: All together now!
Team Whammo: "It's Whammo; it's whammo....."

Stay tuned for another adventure from the Adventures of Team Whammo, and see how Team Turbo tackles this tricky situation in... Team Whammo and the Flight to the Far Side of the Moon!

Team Turbo and the Captain's Missing Drawers

2007-09-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

When we last left Team Turbo, the Cancerous-Cookie was just beginning to crumble under the watchful eye of General Christopher A. Abbott and the rest of the Turbo crew, they were all kicking back for a nice cruise down memory lane: Turbo and the Colonel were going on about their successes on the Beer-Pong Circuit of the Universe, and were pondering whether to join the traveling Pongs of Fury or try their hand on the Senior Tour, as H.T. and Canadia were doing it "Brad and Laura style" in the background by their little robot-dog who had just turned bright magenta-orange, and Benito was looking at the bottom of the barrel, when suddenly the Captain had an epiphany.

Benito: “Why oh why is all the rum gone?”

Captain: “But why, oh why, are my pants missing?”

Admiral Nelson: “Why, Turbo just ate them in passing.”

Colonel DeSantis: “That’s impossible! You must be a bit tipsy, Admiral. Not even Turbo with his Boozahol abilities could withstand the effects of such a colossal snack as that of the Captain’s underpants. No, it was most certainly Chew-micca!

The First-Mate: “Chew-micca! Why did you eat the Captain’s underpants?”

Turbo (from the background): "Has anybody seen my pants?"

And so was all of Team Turbo left to wonder, while meanwhile… Commander Twelker had just agreed to undertake a special project on their behalf, which was in close accord, yet unknown to they themselves, with the Captain, but by all means benefiting the larger goals of Team Turbo. Having been too ill to accompany Commander Twelker on his mission, a top-down request on the part of his superiors, that he travel back to the galaxy known as Baked Alaska, but not having traveled that far south as to encounter those more baked citizens of this particular region known as the Anchorage Zone, but instead having voyaged past the twilight beyond to a little known part of this galaxy known as Juno, being surrounded on all sides by cosmic swirls of milky-white substance that drop down chocolate chunks of pouring hail on this quaint little island planet, in affiliation with Jupiter, yet distinct in and of itself, and let it be known, in extremely close contact with the Alliance! Though small, it is considered to be the capital of Baked Alaska and one that turns out many of the best baked islanders that go on to be high-quality engineers. At this time it was made known to the Commander that there was to be had a competition further south in which those engineer-minded physicists would be engaging in the highest levels of competition with like-minded individuals of similar age and backgrounds, all competing in their designs of the fastest “speeder-bike”. Yet Karlo’s design was unique in its configuration, using his advanced studies in this cutting-edge technology to his own advantage, and thusly coming up with a high-bred jet-propulsion engine, harnessing the powers of Foo-Shawn, which also happens to be a religion in the far-Eastern sections of the Turbonic Galaxy, to devastating consequences, or at least that is what Commander Twelker hopes to bring to the Baked Alaskan table this year and the grander Team Turbo at large. Mmmmmmmm. You just got served!

From what the Lieutenant has gathered, however, from his interviews with the Captain, who has himself been enrolled in late-night classes taught by recently-retired Sergeant Wilson of the Klingon Federations’s Alpha-fleet, XX Star-Command, in an effort to understand the complexities involved in such an endeavor, yet understanding well its importance to the larger goals of USS Endeavor’s elite force space squadron, on rendez-vous for tactical assistance with main Turbo HQ, but such were the circumstances upon which Team Turbo found itself, helpless to resist the alternatives to Bilithium H-Carbonate, which Endeavor had been using for fuel ever since the massive quantities have it had been discovered aboard the XXX Star-Command vessel known as Alpha-Centauri Maximus Prime, “Maxi” for short, which had just completed a routine circuit through the Medeira System, encountering countless numbers of meteors in the process, and finding a prominence of Lithium within the sulfuric meteor-field itself known to all as Eratreas-Centauri. While Bilithium H-Carbonate runs a good ship given a good hyper-speed headwind, its bi-products include that substance, also of a milky-white disposition yet altogether milkier and gooier, known as Hieroglythic-Iodide-Tachychloric Enzo-meteor extract, or HIT ‘EM for short, but which the infamous foxy karts of this star system call White-Coco, referred to also as the toothpaste from Hell, in which he claims certain remote groups of nomadic farmers chomp down on regularly, though these planets be few, within the Snuggle-Me-Elmo Galaxy, and which might also resemble a kind of runny oreo-cookie-like substance here on Planet X. In any event, and indeed, its effects can still be seen clearly enough on the flip side in its close relative resemblance to the Milky-Way. Oh, and by the way, what a curious concoction of spirits can be found here, both good and bad. However the case may be, Endeavor does not mess around, having secured clearance to distribute its waste along the 48th parallel of Snuggle-Me-Elmo, which incidentally corresponds to the very place at which heightened security measures have caused a disruption at the epi-center of the core in one of the lesser-known planets, ending in a Q.

Stay tuned for the next adventure of Team Whammo: “Detour around the Guster Cluster”!!! being then a compendium to the Adventures of Team Whammo.

Good luck making it in the real world this year everybody! Which goes for Benito as well, although he does not quite yet comprehend its significance, nor what importance it may hold in the eyes and the missions of Team Turbo.

Whammoing the Crap Outta Cancer

2007-04-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

Lieutenant’s Log, Stardate 00200230:

The phones blare now as innumerable numbers of S.O.S. calls stream into the Team Whammo main ship, deckout out in all of its Canadian glory, from numerous parts of the galaxy from innumerable numbers of cancer-ward victims, who were stricken with a serious strain of cancer following a massive, comet wind-storm that arose out of nowhere around the cancerous constellation, known to many as that dreaded shape: “Cancer”. Team Turbo was a little slow to respond as their great and fearless leader, Le Chef Turbo, had cook up himself a whopping 99 different types of alcoholic beverages the night before from all around the Milky Way, including from the planet known as ‘Icelandia’, which is one hunk of ice. Yet deep under the surface is a dark liquid strain of liquid swirl, which some refer to as ‘Long Island Ice Tea’ because the best place to extract said beverage is from an island on the middle of this planet, surrounded by liquid called ‘Tripple Sec’ because of its rate of the tide being changed three times in one second, although others claim that once drunk, this has the power to give on three orgasms in one second, which is according to the definition of Le Chef: “Coming, going out for a bit, and starting up again.” Of course, the Whammo increases exponentially depending on the number of shooting stars, but let us not get too carried away in the metaphor, for it's all in the name of Whammo. Yet and in any event, the famous Icelandic brand lies far under the ice island[1], hence its name of ‘Long’, yet others claim that its name has other origins… something akin to Rainbow Trouts and their unusually long lengths when it comes time to swim up stream, taking together with their Beaver friends. Trust me, these are Benito words of wisdom: “Take a little rolled Maple Leaf, Beaver’s hash, and your Rainbow Trout, and you’ve got a night worthy of the best of any big fish, smash Friday night. Now that’s a cure for cancer if I have ever heard one! {I remember the time when me and the Captain were back at the original HQ in the Quairillion Sector and there was a surprise attack from a nearby friendly flyer, stealing the prized Maple-Leaf Mirror of untold power and mystery, but that’s another story…”} Although not fully understood, the effect of the mirror is something attune to the mileage underwater that Rainbow Trouts travel when diving deep for walrus eggs in Alaska, due to the fact that these trouts must hold their breaths for so long that they feel as if they’ve gone through a major spin factor/ have just finished celebrating "4/20". In addition, the crew of Team Turbo was kept up late at night due to the repairs they were making to the Starship “Whammo!” including repairing the “Turbo Drive”, and there were some reports of a special access card malfunction reported during another one of the training exercises, called the ‘V-card’. Yet the Captain’s expertise in this matter came to bear fruit in plenty, for after pondering the matter fully on the ‘Holla-deck’, he came up with the solution, restoring to full capacity the prized ‘V-card’. Suffice it to say, he found a special program on the ship’s computer networking interface, which allowed him to erase all viruses on said card. “Score!” exclaimed the Captain. And there was much singing of “Oh, Canada” late into the evening. Much later that evening….
The Turbo Crew is locked in an epic duel between camps and it coming down to the wire! Now reporting live, the winning team of 2nd-mate Bradley H.T., our Medical Officer, and Corporal Laura ensign. Due to the shocks and treatment provided by the Captain’s special assistant, Laura Whakim, the Captain is down, luxuriating on the floor by the fire with the last thing on his mind as that of finding a cure for cancer, as Laura applies the treatment. Although having taken previous measures to avoid said ‘gigglies’, apparently further applications of treatment are currently being administered, leading our team to slightly disorganized appearance, yet the Captain continues to fire away with fair success. During this procedure, Laura must stay cautious, being careful not to smoke the Captain’s aces as the ship’s engines have been firing their booster engines as they round the Galaxy’s Cape of Good Hope for a Cure for Cancer around the planet called ‘Saturnalia’. And now the grueling aspects of the exercise are commencing as each team must meet the challenges set down by all the other teams, namely that of jumping over flaming paper bags while singing the Canadian national anthem and eating mysterious bagel-brownies in the nude. It is such joy as jumping through hoops of fire after taking a burning shot, and then laughing with a galactic-banta-bowling-ball stuck on one’s head, engraved with the Canadian flag in crimson red. Le Chef at one point accidentally dropped a veggie burger on Chewmicca’s paw, causing her to jump and scare Courtney, as well as the Chief Medical officer, who jumped up in such a fright that she ran into the side of the tent, knocking it over. Upon which, Admiral Nelson jumped to avoid it into the arms of Colonel DeSantis, whose bowling ball then fell from the top of his head onto the Captain, luxuriating below and causing him to run away yelling, “My buns are burning!” To which the Lieutenant followed with his candle to assist Laura in any way possible, managing to find a birthday cake for breakfast along the way, and that is how the Captain got his first tattoo. But that is how the Kirby Cookie crumbles. The Cancerous Cookie, on the other hand, continues to crumble…
[1] According to most surveys, this brand of ‘Long Island Ice Tea’ lies about 9.5 miles below water.

Boozahol: It's What's for Dinner

2007-04-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

Stardate 2020028: Indeed, the night of romping madness and good times on a night quite like this one, with blustery winds and intermitent showers, was quite a night, reminiscent perhaps of "Talledega Nights", starring Will Farrell, a movie I have not seen, and probably will never see following the unsuccessful attempt to blaze before seeing "Blades of Glory" (and hence Farrell was not as funny as he might have been!) the other night , and yet used for such a 'Catch Phrase' catch phrase as car race. Suddenly, during the transmission from a distant plant that was seeking to sell their female animals to the masses of the Turbonic galaxy, and for which the Lieutenant was fast at work trying to establish communication with said females by sending Morse code messages of the text word, "Georgia", in quick secession, the Admiral called for a training exercise. This enterprise called for each crewman, with the exception of the Captain, who explained readily to his wingman, Lieutenant Hundley, that his absence at said training exercise was to ready DDS0137 for the oncoming onslaught that was being anticipated the very next day, and in order to make all preparations for the support of Headquarters back at the DDS0137 ('DS137' for short) satellite station. In addition, the Captain was requiring additional time in the containment unit, having stayed up the previous night in anticipation of a cargo shipment which he was under orders to oversee: General's request. Nonetheless, the night was quite something, including the Lieutenant's getting so many hits in the next exercise involving high-tech pictorial notecards in which one is required to learn their symbols toward a highly complicated calculation of oncoming symbols that are hurled at you like Tie-Fighters at lightening speed. Despite the high barrage of phaser's blows to the stomach until he could hardly see the sunset on the horizon, and yet keeping his eyes on the prize, the Lieutenant managed to complete the mission without his wingman. Second-mate Hiebert-Treuer, who claims to have no associations with the Francolia Star System, yet maintains relations with the nearby star-cluster called Canadalia, yet known throughout the galaxy as Clusters of Malt Cider Sweetness. While in point of fact malt-cider has no sweetness, yet the second-mate has a special ability by which he may enjoy said sweetness of the cider-malt variety through his skills of maneuverability that release carbon atoms into nearby meteors that he brushes, causing a cosmic swirl to circle down upon the alien shores of Canadalia, and melts its snows to reveal the cider below, which lies in little tiny holes beneath the tide and inhabited by little furry creatures called 'Baby Beaver-mites', that are rather like tiny crabs, yet whose 'mites' nip rather than bite. And then, as the Captain remarked upon its retelling, "All hell broke loose!" The Colonel elected to take up custodial duties in the brig, sopping up the last of the suds from the Turbo drive's ignition, and performed his duties admirably, maintaining his sanity for the last training exercise of that night and a favorite of the General's, for which he has won numerous commendations in his abilities at firing precisely in those holes, using his Turbo powers through the channeling of the Boozahol in his belly, such that one would find destroys decisively any Death Star. And so he was bound for glory. Yet the Colonel and his Co-Pilot Admiral Nelson provided stiff competition and an admirable adversary, having seen a vision of four moms who gave them additional advice and support, unseen to all but them. Through their combined strengths of will, all five connected via mind-control to that which was the Boozahol in Chris's stomach, causing a surge that nearly floored him, yet and indeed he used his highly honed skills to channel the Boozahol back to his own advantage: quite a display of physical fortitude! But then came the infamous galactic Bounty-Hunter known as Bento from an alternate reality known as the Anibendrix. While his Boozahol-channeling abilities at Bay-root-Beer were not fully developed as yet, he had a bit of the Bento's Beginner's luck, being strong in the Boozahol and its subtler effects upon the consciousness, including his skill at making such antidotes as the 'Bento Broth', aka "The Kiss of Death" for its large signature kiss-shaped jam splotch on the side of the glass. "Kiss" in hand, Bento battled bravely with his shooting partner, Miss Lindsay, the 1st Medical Officer, named Best Nurse in the Galaxy in "Lifestyles of the Rich and Those Who Nurse Them" for a second year in-a-row, and new mate aboard the DDS137 Battle Station. She sought to use her channeling abilities and mind-control to apply the "Kiss of Death" to the General's belly, but to no avail. Bento and Miss L. were finally taken down for the count when Bento failed to destroy the last turret-guns on the side of the General's 'Boozahol Bus', baby! Good show. And the festivities countinued late into the night as 1st-mate Tabor and Field-Commander H.T. took their posts to dethrone the General, Master and Commander. Who won this bout for glory? Let the wookie decide...

The Adventures of Team Whammo, Episode IV:

2007-03-25T04:07:00.000-07:00

Around or very close to the Turbonic Galaxy, DDS037 on route to the Sunset Boulevard-Way, around the horn from the Cape of Codd Star System, Lieutenant's Log,
Stardate 2020027: Having successfully ventured through the intergalactic fog and star-dust, maneuvering through several star-clusters of Godzillac proportion, not to mention the WAHOO Meteor Field, the starfleet of the USS Cavalier's excursion vessel, USS Sancho Pilot with Captian Andrew S. Einstein, Communications Officer and Head Technician Benjamin R. Hundley, as well as the Associate Interface Networking Personnel, Colonel Nicholas DeSantis, known widely for his work in Intergalactic Trade Negotiation, in association with Commander Christopher A. Abbott, General, and Co-Captain of Excursion's cruiser Sancho Pilot, Admiral ensign Emily Nelson, with the assistance of new interface technology desigend by Lieutenant Hundley with the assistance and theoretical computation of Captain Einstein, namely (drum-roll)... the 'walkie-talkie', the Pilot vessel could hold and was in communication with its associate starship on this voyage, the USS Starfish, Admiral Nelson held an open feed live-wire with the General's first-mate Courtney Tabor and her femal wookie, Mika (a.k.a. Chewmikka). All in all, as recorded and stated earlier in this day's log, the maiden voyages of these new ships were success stories in all respects and the Cavalier's crew looks forward to more excursions within the Cape Codd System, including and also looking forward to extended celebrations of said days of excursion.

Spring Break

2007-03-25T04:01:00.000-07:00

Having not been able to make it down to Durham, North Carolina/ New Orleans for Spring Break this year 2007, I've elected to take snowboard lessons at Smuggler's Notch, the highest ranking ski resort in the Northeast, in an effort to join the higher eschelon of snowboarders at Midd. Hopefully, I'll be landing jumps and doing 360s within the week! No, I really just want to get down a green or blue without falling on my face or injuring myself, but snowboarding is my thing from now on, for shizzle. 0white chocolateout.