Conquering the World (One Middlebury Moon at a Time)

Suddenly, a super secret transmission came into HQ, there was sent a message encoded which, when un-coded, read something like this: "There has a been a distress call... Please come to a super secret gathering of Team Whammo!" And so were all forces mobilized to this call. The exact details were yet unclear, yet the message was undeniable. Team Whammo was being called again for a return flight!!

H.T. revved up the Banana Boat at that moment, just as Le Chef Turbo put his 'Chef Ship' into overdrive. Colonel DeSantis came in his hot ride, fashionably late to the table. And the Captain came dressed to impress with a brand new ship to his credit. Bravo, Captain! Others gathered there included Canadalia, Blindey, Mistress Oliver, and taking the place of the friendly Smurf for this voyage was a friendly PollyWoggle known as Ms. Guiliano.

With the friendly advice "Not to Panic" was texted to everyone below, for all were wondering about the whereabouts of Benito, but not before a holographic message was transmitted via satellite radio through Chewmicca's collar of Senior Veteran Medeiros, which served to update the members of Team Whammo as to the details of their mission.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go to the Dark side of the moon..."

But we've already been to the Dark Side of the Moon! interjected Colonel DeSantis.

"Listen, listen..." insisted the General.

"On your mission," continued Medeiros, "You shall have to find a crater lake known as Lake Do-No-More at which point you shall hear screeches from the forests. Yes, there are jungle forests on the dark side: do not obey the screeching. Hold your ears. For they shall lead you to peril. Now, there is a narrow passage that you must find and through which you must travel. Coming along steady through this cavernous zone, you shall eventually arrive at that hallowed place under a waterfall where lies the body of one Nicholas Garza. At said location has opened up a Worm-Hole through which you must travel. Good luck and may the Whammo be with you!"

"Well, that's it!" said General Christopher A. Abbott, awakening from his four-day slumber the next day. "We've gots to go and put the frizzle on this nizzle bizzle!"-- "I can help!" interjected Ms. G. Just give me a gun. "A girl with a gun, now that's something you don't see every day" said Abbott, "I rather like the idea!"-- "Watch it, there, big boy!" interjected the Colonel, "Let's not go overboard just yet-" (Everyone looked out the window to see the meandering creek far below.) "How do we know she can even handle a fire-arm? Just because she's from South Dakota... that don't mean she knows how to skin an otter clean!"

"Well," said the General, turning to Ms. G who had dropped her pale in the engine fires, "Are you ready to assist us on this mission?"

"Well" responded Ms. G, "I can now see Canada from my house!" -- "Oh, Canada.." began the Colonel, the rest of Team Whammo joined in, H.T. exhibiting his fine bravado and Turbo all smiles. "I think we have a winner!"

With that, they all took off to find the mysterious crater lake where supposedly a secret cave lay hid in some dark place near to the final resting place of one Nick Garza.

Meanwhile....

Benito was off doing some of his own investigating. It had been rumored that one Nicholas Garza had passed through these parts in the past and Benito was going to find out for sure. He put on his special flotation shoes and shimmied across the CFA pond. Where could he be? After plumbing the depths of the CFA pond for a full four hours, he took to the woods. Taking to the air now, Benito hovered above the woods on the outskirts of the golf course. He had used the CFA roof for leverage where some little Chinese children had been flying their magic kites and now used his Go-Go Gadget Goggles to get a good look at the flora and fauna below. He could see each caterpillar that crept along a log or any frog that jumped from a watery ditch. As each image passed his high-tech glasses, it would note it inside the database and send it to Whammo HQ for processing for to see and if there were any signs on 'the Path of Nick Garza'.

"This is getting a bit taxing" thought Benito, rounding the next bunker. He considered enlisting his friends in the Language Schools of Italian and Japanese for help, but he would not have to go far. There, on the next tee, was the Japanese commander, General Michael S. Luby: "Bomb and burn 'em til they quit!" was the General's command. Then Benito spotted the opposing general waving a yellow flag: None other than Antoninonino Nino Reggio from the Italian Radio Station. And who was standing in the middle of the fairway but Colonel En-sign Jay Parini, esquire from the Breadloaf Writer's Conference. This is how the process came in to those at Whammo HQ, although there was no one to receive it, for they were all off at the crater lake (!);

"Suddenly, way off at about 2 o'clock, I saw a glow on the horizon like the sun rising, or maybe the moon. The whole of the Eleventh Hole was below me, stretching from wingtip to wingtip, ablaze in one enormous fire with yet more fountains of flame pouring down from the B-29s. The black smoke billowed up thousands of feet, causing powerful thermal currents that buffeted my hover-craft severely, bringing with it the horrible smell of burning flesh.” Around 100,000 insects died; a million were rendered homeless.

Benito, lucky to be alive, careened his craft over to a resting spot nearby in order to assess his damages. Sitting down to massage his own legs, a butterfly happened to land on his knee, bringing to mind Julia Alvarez's "In the Time of the Butterflies". Then, Benito had it! He ran quickly back to Whammo HQ, passing by the flying kites and all the little children. He took the 'sweet escape' route through the secret nitch in the bushes above the CFA parking lot, which intersected with the residential neighborhood at an undisclosed location, though formally the site of one Commander Kord and one Lieutenant 'Teacher of European History-X'. Faster than a speeding bullet, as if he were in hot pursuit of the Golden Snitch, Benito flew back to base. Coming to the bridge in town, Benito jumped.

Down, down, down he fell into the swirling mist of water and disappeared.

Meanwhile...

"Here's the blasted lake, but where's the blasted cave!" said Le Chef Turbo.

"I don't know" said Ms. G, "But Medeiros said it'd be around here somewhere."

"Yes, but we've been walking around this lake for hours" interjected H.T.

"It is rather nice," said Miss Oliver, handling the situation with a healthy dose of positive reinforcement.

"Yes" said Ms. G and sighed. "I wish Ms. Caeli were here. She'd know what to do. She always comes through in a clinch."

"Yes," agreed the Captain, "Or Benito. Speaking of which, has anybody seen Benito recently?"

"I thought he was with you," said the Colonel. "Remember, you're supposed to keep him on a short leash, as it were."

Chewmicca made some funny noise at the sound of that in the background at that point.

'Well, we're going nowhere fast at this rate', said Turbo. "How about some rounds back at the home base?" Cheers were heard all round, except for the Captain and Ms. G. who had bigger fish to fry. They all decided to go out to the Walloping Wombat that night.

Back at base, Team Whammo pre-gamed with a number of fun and exciting games, including Catch Phrase and Taboo. What fun was to be had at Whammo HQ! Coming out into the night, a bit tipsy to say the least, they found to their great surprise none other than Benito coming towards them from across the street.

"There he is!" said Colonel DeSantis, catching sight of him first. "Benito!" they all exclaimed. "Where have you been?" they all wanted to know. "Well," said Benito, "It was quite a day. I traveled through space and time to get here that took me to far-away galaxies in an effort to reclaim the past.

"So... I take it you found the worm hole?" said Ms. G.

"Yes, I did. And I found it in the most unlikeliest of fashions. Meditation: you should try it sometime!"

Then all of Team Whammo went off to celebrate at the Wombat and all that night and there was much showing off of the boozahol abilities, especially as the power of the boozahol was with the Turbo, and all the rest were sent into hilarious bouts of laughing which sent them all up the walls crazy, but not before Veteran Medeiros appeared with another quick holographic text-message, which all of Team Whammo viewed off of Turbo's new super-duper cell phone. It read:

"Dear Team Whammo, Sorry for the confusion earlier. When I told you to go to the dark side of the moon, I was strictly speaking metaphorically. My apologies. I hope we can do more business together in the future and I surely hope that you have all enjoyed your stay in Middlebury this weekend! Yours, Claudio." [End of transmission]

"Well, there you have it" said Turbo, "It was all a hoax."

"Well, I don't know about that" said Ms. G. "Perhaps just more of a gimmick."

"Aren't those the same thing"" asked Colonel DeSantis, drunkenly.

"Perhaps they are and perhaps they're not" said Turbo, "I'll have to leave that one to the English and American Literature Majors, but one thing's for certain: I need another drink. I'm running on empty!"