Whammoing the Crap Outta Cancer

Lieutenant’s Log, Stardate 00200230:

The phones blare now as innumerable numbers of S.O.S. calls stream into the Team Whammo main ship, deckout out in all of its Canadian glory, from numerous parts of the galaxy from innumerable numbers of cancer-ward victims, who were stricken with a serious strain of cancer following a massive, comet wind-storm that arose out of nowhere around the cancerous constellation, known to many as that dreaded shape: “Cancer”. Team Turbo was a little slow to respond as their great and fearless leader, Le Chef Turbo, had cook up himself a whopping 99 different types of alcoholic beverages the night before from all around the Milky Way, including from the planet known as ‘Icelandia’, which is one hunk of ice. Yet deep under the surface is a dark liquid strain of liquid swirl, which some refer to as ‘Long Island Ice Tea’ because the best place to extract said beverage is from an island on the middle of this planet, surrounded by liquid called ‘Tripple Sec’ because of its rate of the tide being changed three times in one second, although others claim that once drunk, this has the power to give on three orgasms in one second, which is according to the definition of Le Chef: “Coming, going out for a bit, and starting up again.” Of course, the Whammo increases exponentially depending on the number of shooting stars, but let us not get too carried away in the metaphor, for it's all in the name of Whammo. Yet and in any event, the famous Icelandic brand lies far under the ice island[1], hence its name of ‘Long’, yet others claim that its name has other origins… something akin to Rainbow Trouts and their unusually long lengths when it comes time to swim up stream, taking together with their Beaver friends. Trust me, these are Benito words of wisdom: “Take a little rolled Maple Leaf, Beaver’s hash, and your Rainbow Trout, and you’ve got a night worthy of the best of any big fish, smash Friday night. Now that’s a cure for cancer if I have ever heard one! {I remember the time when me and the Captain were back at the original HQ in the Quairillion Sector and there was a surprise attack from a nearby friendly flyer, stealing the prized Maple-Leaf Mirror of untold power and mystery, but that’s another story…”} Although not fully understood, the effect of the mirror is something attune to the mileage underwater that Rainbow Trouts travel when diving deep for walrus eggs in Alaska, due to the fact that these trouts must hold their breaths for so long that they feel as if they’ve gone through a major spin factor/ have just finished celebrating "4/20". In addition, the crew of Team Turbo was kept up late at night due to the repairs they were making to the Starship “Whammo!” including repairing the “Turbo Drive”, and there were some reports of a special access card malfunction reported during another one of the training exercises, called the ‘V-card’. Yet the Captain’s expertise in this matter came to bear fruit in plenty, for after pondering the matter fully on the ‘Holla-deck’, he came up with the solution, restoring to full capacity the prized ‘V-card’. Suffice it to say, he found a special program on the ship’s computer networking interface, which allowed him to erase all viruses on said card. “Score!” exclaimed the Captain. And there was much singing of “Oh, Canada” late into the evening. Much later that evening….
The Turbo Crew is locked in an epic duel between camps and it coming down to the wire! Now reporting live, the winning team of 2nd-mate Bradley H.T., our Medical Officer, and Corporal Laura ensign. Due to the shocks and treatment provided by the Captain’s special assistant, Laura Whakim, the Captain is down, luxuriating on the floor by the fire with the last thing on his mind as that of finding a cure for cancer, as Laura applies the treatment. Although having taken previous measures to avoid said ‘gigglies’, apparently further applications of treatment are currently being administered, leading our team to slightly disorganized appearance, yet the Captain continues to fire away with fair success. During this procedure, Laura must stay cautious, being careful not to smoke the Captain’s aces as the ship’s engines have been firing their booster engines as they round the Galaxy’s Cape of Good Hope for a Cure for Cancer around the planet called ‘Saturnalia’. And now the grueling aspects of the exercise are commencing as each team must meet the challenges set down by all the other teams, namely that of jumping over flaming paper bags while singing the Canadian national anthem and eating mysterious bagel-brownies in the nude. It is such joy as jumping through hoops of fire after taking a burning shot, and then laughing with a galactic-banta-bowling-ball stuck on one’s head, engraved with the Canadian flag in crimson red. Le Chef at one point accidentally dropped a veggie burger on Chewmicca’s paw, causing her to jump and scare Courtney, as well as the Chief Medical officer, who jumped up in such a fright that she ran into the side of the tent, knocking it over. Upon which, Admiral Nelson jumped to avoid it into the arms of Colonel DeSantis, whose bowling ball then fell from the top of his head onto the Captain, luxuriating below and causing him to run away yelling, “My buns are burning!” To which the Lieutenant followed with his candle to assist Laura in any way possible, managing to find a birthday cake for breakfast along the way, and that is how the Captain got his first tattoo. But that is how the Kirby Cookie crumbles. The Cancerous Cookie, on the other hand, continues to crumble…
[1] According to most surveys, this brand of ‘Long Island Ice Tea’ lies about 9.5 miles below water.

Boozahol: It's What's for Dinner

Stardate 2020028: Indeed, the night of romping madness and good times on a night quite like this one, with blustery winds and intermitent showers, was quite a night, reminiscent perhaps of "Talledega Nights", starring Will Farrell, a movie I have not seen, and probably will never see following the unsuccessful attempt to blaze before seeing "Blades of Glory" (and hence Farrell was not as funny as he might have been!) the other night , and yet used for such a 'Catch Phrase' catch phrase as car race. Suddenly, during the transmission from a distant plant that was seeking to sell their female animals to the masses of the Turbonic galaxy, and for which the Lieutenant was fast at work trying to establish communication with said females by sending Morse code messages of the text word, "Georgia", in quick secession, the Admiral called for a training exercise. This enterprise called for each crewman, with the exception of the Captain, who explained readily to his wingman, Lieutenant Hundley, that his absence at said training exercise was to ready DDS0137 for the oncoming onslaught that was being anticipated the very next day, and in order to make all preparations for the support of Headquarters back at the DDS0137 ('DS137' for short) satellite station. In addition, the Captain was requiring additional time in the containment unit, having stayed up the previous night in anticipation of a cargo shipment which he was under orders to oversee: General's request. Nonetheless, the night was quite something, including the Lieutenant's getting so many hits in the next exercise involving high-tech pictorial notecards in which one is required to learn their symbols toward a highly complicated calculation of oncoming symbols that are hurled at you like Tie-Fighters at lightening speed. Despite the high barrage of phaser's blows to the stomach until he could hardly see the sunset on the horizon, and yet keeping his eyes on the prize, the Lieutenant managed to complete the mission without his wingman. Second-mate Hiebert-Treuer, who claims to have no associations with the Francolia Star System, yet maintains relations with the nearby star-cluster called Canadalia, yet known throughout the galaxy as Clusters of Malt Cider Sweetness. While in point of fact malt-cider has no sweetness, yet the second-mate has a special ability by which he may enjoy said sweetness of the cider-malt variety through his skills of maneuverability that release carbon atoms into nearby meteors that he brushes, causing a cosmic swirl to circle down upon the alien shores of Canadalia, and melts its snows to reveal the cider below, which lies in little tiny holes beneath the tide and inhabited by little furry creatures called 'Baby Beaver-mites', that are rather like tiny crabs, yet whose 'mites' nip rather than bite. And then, as the Captain remarked upon its retelling, "All hell broke loose!" The Colonel elected to take up custodial duties in the brig, sopping up the last of the suds from the Turbo drive's ignition, and performed his duties admirably, maintaining his sanity for the last training exercise of that night and a favorite of the General's, for which he has won numerous commendations in his abilities at firing precisely in those holes, using his Turbo powers through the channeling of the Boozahol in his belly, such that one would find destroys decisively any Death Star. And so he was bound for glory. Yet the Colonel and his Co-Pilot Admiral Nelson provided stiff competition and an admirable adversary, having seen a vision of four moms who gave them additional advice and support, unseen to all but them. Through their combined strengths of will, all five connected via mind-control to that which was the Boozahol in Chris's stomach, causing a surge that nearly floored him, yet and indeed he used his highly honed skills to channel the Boozahol back to his own advantage: quite a display of physical fortitude! But then came the infamous galactic Bounty-Hunter known as Bento from an alternate reality known as the Anibendrix. While his Boozahol-channeling abilities at Bay-root-Beer were not fully developed as yet, he had a bit of the Bento's Beginner's luck, being strong in the Boozahol and its subtler effects upon the consciousness, including his skill at making such antidotes as the 'Bento Broth', aka "The Kiss of Death" for its large signature kiss-shaped jam splotch on the side of the glass. "Kiss" in hand, Bento battled bravely with his shooting partner, Miss Lindsay, the 1st Medical Officer, named Best Nurse in the Galaxy in "Lifestyles of the Rich and Those Who Nurse Them" for a second year in-a-row, and new mate aboard the DDS137 Battle Station. She sought to use her channeling abilities and mind-control to apply the "Kiss of Death" to the General's belly, but to no avail. Bento and Miss L. were finally taken down for the count when Bento failed to destroy the last turret-guns on the side of the General's 'Boozahol Bus', baby! Good show. And the festivities countinued late into the night as 1st-mate Tabor and Field-Commander H.T. took their posts to dethrone the General, Master and Commander. Who won this bout for glory? Let the wookie decide...