Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Yoooo! Karlo n Benito Together Again! Happy Valentine's Everybody!!

Well, it was that time of year again, when all of Team Whammo was left to wonder out the whereabouts of its other members. Luckily enough, General Christopher A. Abbott and Second Mate Tabor were engaged. Well, who says there can't me marriages among members of the crew? Well, that's just what is set to happen sooner rather than later... They've got a nice place up around the Guster Cluster.

In other news, Emily is chilling her heels up in Planet B. It's a cool place and Benito plans on checking it out in the near future, while Colonel DeSantis hangs out in DC. But who else is on the Lonely Planet but Benito! And who should appear one day from the other side of the galaxy but one Commander Twelker, fresh from his two and 1/2 years on the job. He came out all smiles with a couple of other compatriots who had all been experimenting with high levels of Xenon on Planet X.

"Hey, Benito!" said Karlo, "Great to see you!"

"Likewise," said Benito, "Happy V-Day!"

And so it was. A nice Valentine's surprise for Benito, who was Karlo's secret crush from the Middlebury moons. Former roommates and best buds for life, now together on the Lonely Planet.

They cruised out in their private hummer-scooter, humming across the surface of the planet with Benito's private driver. The others crammed in the back. Then they were off, heading a course for the center of the sphere, namely downtown. They passed first by the main HQ of the planet, a large white looking square building with plenty of funding for projects like that being carried about by Karlo and his compadres. Then they headed to see some monuments to the founders of this great planet, including one Abraham Oda and the Mash-Mash Monument. They even went by the monument for those who were unrighteously imprisoned during the last Ice Age. And it was certainly one frosty time of year to be sure! with more snow accumulation than the Planet Hoth (Star wars: Episode V)!! But still it was quite frosty and Benito figured it was time to quote him: so he took out his volume from the planet Earth:

"Some say the world will end in fire, some in ice,
But from what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-Robert Frost

That was quite some kind of inspiration! remarked Karlo, having heard the poem before, but finding it especially special at this moment. So, they then continued on, toward a far of moon, known as the Moon of Chin-Chin/ Kompasaaka. It was quite something indeed moreover, for the Wizards were playing. More on that later! For now, the fab five, who were kinda looking for a local 'Five Guys' restaurant, headed to this moon and went first down and then across and held a conference. How in the world would they come to find the appointed place, that was like finding Mongolia on a map. Using their high-power communique devices, however, they were able to pinpoint their destination. Well, that is what they would say later ,however for now they were content to follow some friendly advice.

"I could have sworn the moon's crater was right here!" said Benito.

"Uhh, actually" said Juanito the Native "It was removed and smoothed over just the other day!" Welcome to the new far side of the moon! Well, I'll be, said Benito. Oh, deary me!

But it was quite something for this restaurant on the far side of the moon and they all shared a meal 'family style', watching the Galactic Olympics on the far screen. When they were all finished, Benito waved a longing goodbye to the little waving kitty.

Next step was the Super-sonic cooridor from which little atoms would be colliding into each other at lightning speed! They first made via super shuttle to the Bohemian Caverns, looking for a little light here on the dark side of the moon. You look like you're lost, said the bouncer. I've never been here, admitted Benito, but I hear this is the home of soul. And so did they all look for a soul in the snow and ice, but couldn't find any, and so they made their way back across the land. it was quite something. But there was no room in the inn, so to speak, the CAVERNS being inhabited by strange beasts that made a weird music called jazz. But so much for that, for they were headed back in the other direction. So to find there final destination, which would be the ExTreme End of the Galaxy. And so they took off at warp speed, Benito leading the way. They came, they saw, they drank and made merry.

The next day, Benito agreed to meet the Commander at the foot of the Mash-Mash Monument. Together they took off for to find some genuine Jeffersonian Democracy here on the lonely planet. It was lightly snowing, but was a pleasant walk nonetheless. They talked about fusion in the hull and how to make their new spacecraft as fast as can be. Karlo found an anurism in the subspace quadro-hole before coming upon the monument itself. They circumnavigated the lake of despond before coming upon the statue of Buzz Jefferson, who first saw the rings of Cupid. Naming them after Galileo's daughters 'cause they was hot!!! Well, we are on the lonely planet, afterall. No worries, they all said. Then the Commander chatted it up with one of the officials at the monument, who gave Benito and Karl a little tour. "Ah, yes" said the guard, "That's the problem statement." Well, it was all well and good that Buzz owned alien slaves, since a lot of people on that planet did at the time. But they had not much time, so they made off in the direction of Subspace 9. It was a good walk, back the way they had come and then around the Holocaust Museum, where many a good Jew was laid to rest and they did pay homage.

Finally they made it to the worm hole, which they jumped in without further hesitation and made it to the University of the lonely planet where they caught the cruiser and took them home. it had been a solid visit by Commander Twelker and briefed Benito's sister on her next mission, should she choose to accept it. As for Karlo, eager to get back to work, he was headed back to the far side of the galaxy and all was well and good, no doubt having made many connections during his time at the conference on Planet X. They embraced one final time before Karlo hit light speed, headed back across the far reaches of the galaxy into intergalactic outer space using the power of fusion, the way of the future, that always has been and always will be. Wiser words were never said, not by Jefferson or Einstein. Captain Andrew s. Einstein, that is! Hahahahaa. Peace.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Conquering the World (One Middlebury Moon at a Time)

Suddenly, a super secret transmission came into HQ, there was sent a message encoded which, when un-coded, read something like this: "There has a been a distress call... Please come to a super secret gathering of Team Whammo!" And so were all forces mobilized to this call. The exact details were yet unclear, yet the message was undeniable. Team Whammo was being called again for a return flight!!

H.T. revved up the Banana Boat at that moment, just as Le Chef Turbo put his 'Chef Ship' into overdrive. Colonel DeSantis came in his hot ride, fashionably late to the table. And the Captain came dressed to impress with a brand new ship to his credit. Bravo, Captain! Others gathered there included Canadalia, Blindey, Mistress Oliver, and taking the place of the friendly Smurf for this voyage was a friendly PollyWoggle known as Ms. Guiliano.

With the friendly advice "Not to Panic" was texted to everyone below, for all were wondering about the whereabouts of Benito, but not before a holographic message was transmitted via satellite radio through Chewmicca's collar of Senior Veteran Medeiros, which served to update the members of Team Whammo as to the details of their mission.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go to the Dark side of the moon..."

But we've already been to the Dark Side of the Moon! interjected Colonel DeSantis.

"Listen, listen..." insisted the General.

"On your mission," continued Medeiros, "You shall have to find a crater lake known as Lake Do-No-More at which point you shall hear screeches from the forests. Yes, there are jungle forests on the dark side: do not obey the screeching. Hold your ears. For they shall lead you to peril. Now, there is a narrow passage that you must find and through which you must travel. Coming along steady through this cavernous zone, you shall eventually arrive at that hallowed place under a waterfall where lies the body of one Nicholas Garza. At said location has opened up a Worm-Hole through which you must travel. Good luck and may the Whammo be with you!"

"Well, that's it!" said General Christopher A. Abbott, awakening from his four-day slumber the next day. "We've gots to go and put the frizzle on this nizzle bizzle!"-- "I can help!" interjected Ms. G. Just give me a gun. "A girl with a gun, now that's something you don't see every day" said Abbott, "I rather like the idea!"-- "Watch it, there, big boy!" interjected the Colonel, "Let's not go overboard just yet-" (Everyone looked out the window to see the meandering creek far below.) "How do we know she can even handle a fire-arm? Just because she's from South Dakota... that don't mean she knows how to skin an otter clean!"

"Well," said the General, turning to Ms. G who had dropped her pale in the engine fires, "Are you ready to assist us on this mission?"

"Well" responded Ms. G, "I can now see Canada from my house!" -- "Oh, Canada.." began the Colonel, the rest of Team Whammo joined in, H.T. exhibiting his fine bravado and Turbo all smiles. "I think we have a winner!"

With that, they all took off to find the mysterious crater lake where supposedly a secret cave lay hid in some dark place near to the final resting place of one Nick Garza.


Benito was off doing some of his own investigating. It had been rumored that one Nicholas Garza had passed through these parts in the past and Benito was going to find out for sure. He put on his special flotation shoes and shimmied across the CFA pond. Where could he be? After plumbing the depths of the CFA pond for a full four hours, he took to the woods. Taking to the air now, Benito hovered above the woods on the outskirts of the golf course. He had used the CFA roof for leverage where some little Chinese children had been flying their magic kites and now used his Go-Go Gadget Goggles to get a good look at the flora and fauna below. He could see each caterpillar that crept along a log or any frog that jumped from a watery ditch. As each image passed his high-tech glasses, it would note it inside the database and send it to Whammo HQ for processing for to see and if there were any signs on 'the Path of Nick Garza'.

"This is getting a bit taxing" thought Benito, rounding the next bunker. He considered enlisting his friends in the Language Schools of Italian and Japanese for help, but he would not have to go far. There, on the next tee, was the Japanese commander, General Michael S. Luby: "Bomb and burn 'em til they quit!" was the General's command. Then Benito spotted the opposing general waving a yellow flag: None other than Antoninonino Nino Reggio from the Italian Radio Station. And who was standing in the middle of the fairway but Colonel En-sign Jay Parini, esquire from the Breadloaf Writer's Conference. This is how the process came in to those at Whammo HQ, although there was no one to receive it, for they were all off at the crater lake (!);

"Suddenly, way off at about 2 o'clock, I saw a glow on the horizon like the sun rising, or maybe the moon. The whole of the Eleventh Hole was below me, stretching from wingtip to wingtip, ablaze in one enormous fire with yet more fountains of flame pouring down from the B-29s. The black smoke billowed up thousands of feet, causing powerful thermal currents that buffeted my hover-craft severely, bringing with it the horrible smell of burning flesh.” Around 100,000 insects died; a million were rendered homeless.

Benito, lucky to be alive, careened his craft over to a resting spot nearby in order to assess his damages. Sitting down to massage his own legs, a butterfly happened to land on his knee, bringing to mind Julia Alvarez's "In the Time of the Butterflies". Then, Benito had it! He ran quickly back to Whammo HQ, passing by the flying kites and all the little children. He took the 'sweet escape' route through the secret nitch in the bushes above the CFA parking lot, which intersected with the residential neighborhood at an undisclosed location, though formally the site of one Commander Kord and one Lieutenant 'Teacher of European History-X'. Faster than a speeding bullet, as if he were in hot pursuit of the Golden Snitch, Benito flew back to base. Coming to the bridge in town, Benito jumped.

Down, down, down he fell into the swirling mist of water and disappeared.


"Here's the blasted lake, but where's the blasted cave!" said Le Chef Turbo.

"I don't know" said Ms. G, "But Medeiros said it'd be around here somewhere."

"Yes, but we've been walking around this lake for hours" interjected H.T.

"It is rather nice," said Miss Oliver, handling the situation with a healthy dose of positive reinforcement.

"Yes" said Ms. G and sighed. "I wish Ms. Caeli were here. She'd know what to do. She always comes through in a clinch."

"Yes," agreed the Captain, "Or Benito. Speaking of which, has anybody seen Benito recently?"

"I thought he was with you," said the Colonel. "Remember, you're supposed to keep him on a short leash, as it were."

Chewmicca made some funny noise at the sound of that in the background at that point.

'Well, we're going nowhere fast at this rate', said Turbo. "How about some rounds back at the home base?" Cheers were heard all round, except for the Captain and Ms. G. who had bigger fish to fry. They all decided to go out to the Walloping Wombat that night.

Back at base, Team Whammo pre-gamed with a number of fun and exciting games, including Catch Phrase and Taboo. What fun was to be had at Whammo HQ! Coming out into the night, a bit tipsy to say the least, they found to their great surprise none other than Benito coming towards them from across the street.

"There he is!" said Colonel DeSantis, catching sight of him first. "Benito!" they all exclaimed. "Where have you been?" they all wanted to know. "Well," said Benito, "It was quite a day. I traveled through space and time to get here that took me to far-away galaxies in an effort to reclaim the past.

"So... I take it you found the worm hole?" said Ms. G.

"Yes, I did. And I found it in the most unlikeliest of fashions. Meditation: you should try it sometime!"

Then all of Team Whammo went off to celebrate at the Wombat and all that night and there was much showing off of the boozahol abilities, especially as the power of the boozahol was with the Turbo, and all the rest were sent into hilarious bouts of laughing which sent them all up the walls crazy, but not before Veteran Medeiros appeared with another quick holographic text-message, which all of Team Whammo viewed off of Turbo's new super-duper cell phone. It read:

"Dear Team Whammo, Sorry for the confusion earlier. When I told you to go to the dark side of the moon, I was strictly speaking metaphorically. My apologies. I hope we can do more business together in the future and I surely hope that you have all enjoyed your stay in Middlebury this weekend! Yours, Claudio." [End of transmission]

"Well, there you have it" said Turbo, "It was all a hoax."

"Well, I don't know about that" said Ms. G. "Perhaps just more of a gimmick."

"Aren't those the same thing"" asked Colonel DeSantis, drunkenly.

"Perhaps they are and perhaps they're not" said Turbo, "I'll have to leave that one to the English and American Literature Majors, but one thing's for certain: I need another drink. I'm running on empty!"

Monday, February 18, 2008

Benito and the Giant Punch-Bowl of Vermouth: Part 2

Having fully recovered from the onslaught of raining cows and bears, Benito and Felatio looked out upon the icy, arctic waters. The turgid, red waves lapped against the bobbing yellow island in this calm, dark land of ice and punch. The ice blocks colliding against each other sounded faintly in the deep, like brightly singing bells, as the white-chocolate penguins jumped from block to block.

"I gotta get me some penguin-jumping skills!" said Benito darkly.
"And I gotta get me some of that Vermouth!" exclaimed Dr. Felatio, getting down on all fours and extending a leg over the edge while holding onto Benito's with one arm.
"No!" exclaimed Benito. "You'll tip us over!" and pulled Felatio back on shore.
Now arm in arm, they looked out across the endless miles of punch towards the setting sun. "What do you want to be when you grow up, Benito?" asked the good doctor. "Well, right now I'm just enjoying that setting sun over the horizon and thinking of all the good times we've had thus far. It's been quite a journey from the jungles to the moon and back. Enough adventuring to fill a lifetime, I'm sure." -- "Oh, surely you don't mean that, Benito. You're only just beginning the grandest adventure of all, afterall." -- "Perhaps you're right, Felatio, but when I look out at that setting sun across the impossibly vast reaches of ice and punch, I wonder...
(Benito paused) "Say, is it just me or has the sun suddenly decided to start rising again?" The tiny blip on the horizon appeared to be rising again from the depths of the waters.

Dr. Felllatio: No, I think you've got a good point there, Benito. The sun is decidedly not going under. I guess it decided to skip out on sleep and get a headstart on the next day! Silly black 'ol sun!

Benito: You know, I've heard about these days in the arctic from our good friend Commander Twelker in a galaxy far, far away. He told me how the sun sometimes comes very close to setting near the horizon, only to rise right back up again. It has something to do with the summer solstice, I believe.

Dr. Felllatio: Ah yes, the months of endless days and sunlight.

Benito: Yeah, it's great if you like to do it in the light. Solves energy problems to boot!

Dr. Felllatio: Why yes, and one could even go so far as to collect it with the help of solar panels and then store it for future use.

Benito: Like the days of endless darkness and despair.

Dr. Felllatio: Precisely. Well, they wouldn't be full of despair with all the stored energy one would have at his fingertips, now would it?

Benito: No, I suppose not, but the world would still be dark.

Dr. Felllatio: Ah, you speak of the dark night of the Whammo... (quoting Scripture) "The world was dark and void, and a great darkness covered the face of the deep when the spirit of Whammo began moving over the waters, and so did the force of the Whammo create a churning and a whirling, as even the creamiest of chocolate milkshakes does when propelled by the swankest of blenders. And so was the Whammo spread, spilling out into every Whammo-licious drink in the galaxy, and even unto those drinks made with 'The Benito Kiss of Death' frozen daquirea mixer and beyond!

Benito: Say, Felatio, I don't mean to interrupt...

Dr. Felllatio: No, Im quite finished now.

Benito (making a looking-glass with his hand): But I think our energetic sun is getting closer.

Dr. Felllatio: Well, I'll be flayed!

The great sun loomed larger and larger in their frame of view. At first it had only been a little blip on the horizon, but as it got closer and closer, getting bigger and bigger, the large burning mass began to appear less like a flaming circle, and more of a circular object with a little protrusion on top every other second, as if the sun were having a dipole moment every other second. It was rather hypnotizing as Benito and Felatio watched it getting closer. There was certainly some discernible motion in the body and its doppled appearance was beginning to become more and more clear as the bloody, boiling sun transformed into a cool, moist body: the bumps, mere indentations on an otherwise perfectly smooth surface, were also being made clear, as it neared their position in the punch bowl. Such a soft, smooth surface was not to be found on any other body, ideal for sucking on after taking a flaming shot with the Vermouth from the deepest regions of the giant punch-bowl.

Benito: Prof. BackDoor! How nice of you to join us. We were just speaking of you a moment ago and reflecting on your great Meteorological powers.

Professor Backdoor was in surprisingly good shape, having run tread-mill style across the frozen pond atop a giant orange to join Benito and Felatio on the other side. He stopped running to stand proudly on his prized fruit with hands on hips and a thumb on either side of his snowpant suspenders. He glided in then for a ripe landing as the two fruits gently collided and made a smooth landing to join his friends.

"Well done, Professor!" said Dr. Fellatio, patting his colleague on the back. "I see all your hours in the gym have paid off. You were off in the "love corner", getting your sexy back on next to the large mirror, foretelling future Whammoes, no doubt!"
"Now, Felatio, play nice!" said Benito. "Let's celebrate", responded Prof. Backdoor.
:Doctor, if you'd be so kind as to pull the Whammo stick out of my coat pocket, thank you. Now, I was going to use this..." -- "Don't get any ideas!" interjected Benito, pulling up his snowpants. "...to get us out of this blasted place..." -- "I don't know if that's such a good idea" said Felatio following. "...but since this place seems to look down on ideas..." And without thinking twice, Prof. Backdoor extended his whammo-ing stick deep into the waters of Vermouth to take a sip, letting each of them have a go.
"Perfect" said Benito. "Exquisite" said Felatio. Then the clever Professor pulled his stick back in to extend the saber end, hacking off three large pieces of lemon and one large slice of orange. The lemon they used for their shots of Vermouth, and the orange as desert, and there was much rejoicing.

"There's only on more thing", said Dr. Fellatio. "Just how are we going to get off this blasted heath now?!" -- "I'd call the Captain" said Benito, "But my communicator got punched a long time ago." -- "No worries" said Prof Backdoor, pointing to the sky, "I think we've got company." And sure enough the Bush plane was making a landing in the Vermouth, and who should pop out but Commander Twelker.
"We're saved!" said all three at once. "I wouldn't count your penguins just yet", said Commander Twelker, "We've still got a ways to go before we touch down in the land of Juno. C'mon, hop on!" They all four boarded the Bush place, Benito riding in the cock-pit alongside Commander Twelker, and the silly academics rode in the back.

As they soared up into the sky, across the miles and miles of punch and ice, flying past the edge of the punch-bowl, Commander Twelker made sure to point out the Captain's spilled Animal Crackers and Em & Nick's package of frosted bears on the table with a smile. "There are all the goodies!" he said, "Too bad we can't stay for a snack." -- "Oh, here you go!" said Benito, pulling some white chocolate out of his concealed pocket and giving it to Karlo. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

But things did not end happily ever after just yet, for suddenly the plane lurched forward as Commander Twelker struggled at the controls. "Oh, no" said Benito, "It's Chew-micca!" And indeed, the first-mate's dog had caught them by the tail. "Quick!" said Karlo, "Use the radio to send out a distress signal to Team Whammo!" Benito hurriedly grabbed at the plane's radio frequency nobs and speed-dialed a distress to General Christopher A. Abbot.

The whole crew had gathered for a final evening of festivities before the final stretch known as Feb Graduation, when Chris suddenly felt like he had worms and said,

Abbott: Where's Benito?

Nelson: I don't know. He was so excited for this Snowpants or No Pants Party. Do you know where he is Steph?

Kane: (making a sad face) :P

First-Mate Tabor: Wait, I'm getting a call. I think it's Benito!

All: Benito!

DeSanti: Oh, Benito.

Benito: I don't have time to explain. Just tell Micah to drop the toy airplane!

Tabor: How did you... wait, are you standing right outside the window, Benito?

Abbott: Benitoooo!

Benito: Yeah, I'm climbing up the storm-drain... Just do it!

Tabor: Haha. Ok, Benito. {...} Micca, no!

Benito, Karlo, & co.: Hoorah!

[Karlo flew them out the door then, as Benito waved a final goodbye to his friends on Team Whammo, relaxing as they sipped their cups of punch and watched back-to-back episodes of 'Scrubs'.]

Benito (to himself): Truly, never a finer hour was ever wasted there.

And now, the drinking recipe for the flaming flamingo of Vermouth, as promised (aka 'the Venezia': and for all those who 'non parla italiano', "the Venice" ). Serve it chill at the closest Snowpants/ No Pants party near you!


4 parts Gin

3 parts Peach liqueur

3 parts Dry Vermouth

1 drop Blue Curacao

Mixing Rules aka 'Rules of the Whammo'

Mix in a punch-bowl and serve in a cocktail glass, or other suitable cup for the partaking of whammo-licious liquor. When you drink this all of you, you shall remember all the said good times recounted herein, and as the great Spock-a-Dot-Pants once said,
"Go forth and whammo!"

Friday, February 15, 2008

Intermission (while I sober up)

While you're waiting for the next exciting segment in this, the Valentine's Day Weekend Special Edition of -- the adventures of Benito and Team Turbo, "Flight around the Alaskan Punch-Bowl", why not check out this really cool Blog Site I found of GP & N? You can connect to it direct from this post. They know Whammo-sticks for real!

Benito and the Giant Punch-Bowl of Vermouth

Indeed, Prof. BackDoor, Dr. Felllatio, and Benito had all landed in the punch. "What in the crazy world is..." started Prof. BackDoor, wiping the sticky red substance from his tweed jacket. "It seems we took a wrong turn through the Vermouthian Triangle and landed in the punch," posited Benito, licking his lips. "Ain't that a crack of old hat!" exclaimed Dr. Felllatio, slipping up again on the ice. "Now if you hadn't had the impulse to spoon us in mid-air..." started Dr. Felllatio, failing in his attempts to stand. "Save it, Fellatio" said Benito, tryingly, testing the Kool-Aid waters with his foot and reaching out to grab his WhiteeCocoa communicator which was floating and resembled a piece of white chalk floating in the punch with his bare toes, which resembled a piece of white chalk floating in the punch, "I'm trying to figure a way out of this blasted Mountain-Blast vacation!"-- "Hold up a minute" interjected Prof BackDoor, "By the boycen-berries on planet Jupiter, I've got an idea." -- "Holy Polar-Bear Klondike bars!" exclaimed Dr. Felllatio, "The professor's got an idea."

Benito: So you've got an idea, do you, Professor.

ProfBackDoor: Why yes, if you'll just bear with me for a moment.

Benito: I don't think we'll have to wait too long for that. Here comes the Polar Express!! (Benito pointed upward as big Polar Bears dropped down from the sky, sending up explosions of red punch and massive waves. Suddenly a redness filled the sky as a huge Bear Tsunami came hurtling towards Benito, Fellatio and the Professor). Quick, help me pull up this kiwi's husk!

The trio labored mightily to pull up the remaining husk, which had been gradually sinking to the bottom of the punch bowl, having a few holes in its underside to say the least! Managing to cover themselves nonetheless with the gigantic kiwi crust just in time as the tsunami of punch closed over them and they were sent, flying-saucer like, high up into the air, surfing their way onto a giant slice of lemon.

Dr. Felllatio: Where's Prof. BackDoor?

Benito: Oh, I'm sure he's just chillin'. Prof Backdoor? Prof Back... is not back there. Well, where in the world of frozen blocks of punch from the Juice Bar could he be?

Dr. Felllatio: I could have sworn he was under the kiwi-husk when the giant tsunami punch wave hit us and...

Benito: Oh, no.

Dr. Felllatio (turning): What?

"Oh, no" repeated Dr. Felllatio, for Prof. BackDoor had fallen out of the kiwi once again to land on another floating object in the punch: an orange.

Dr. Felllatio: Professor Backdoooooor! (trying to get his attention)

Apparently, the Professor was laid out flat, seemingly unconscious on top of the giant orange.

Benito: We've got to save him! After all, he does have a great idea.

Dr. Felllatio: Which is?

Benito: He didn't say... but we can't take any chances out here in this Arctic environment. Maybe some more bears will fall out of the sky.

Dr. Felllatio: Wait, I've got an idea.

Benito: Great, more ideas. Just be careful. Remember what happened the last time you had...

[It started to snow.]

Dr. Felllatio: An idea?

[Suddenly a giant cow dropped out of the sky and landed on Felllatio.]

Dr. Felllatio: Ow.

Benito: Oh, brother.

[To be continued...]

Monday, January 7, 2008


This joyful season, we'd like to bring in the new year with a special Whammo-licious celebration, involving lots or juicy Whammo-sticks and delicious punch. Well, read on, faithful readers, read on!

Sweating the Sweet outta Sweetness

So, where in the world is Benito? Where, pray tell, is that masked crusader? Wait, I think I see something... in the sky. It's a bird, no, maybe it's a plane, no... it's Benito 'Whammo' Powers!! and he's in hot pursuit of that Kiwi5000. "Wow, I wish I could get as good coverage!" exclaimed Admiral Nelson. "Hey, what about the BananaBoat?" responded H.T. looking crest-fallen beside the rest of Team Whammo. "It appears to be wilting, H.T." said Colonel DeSantis. Team Whammo turned their heads, one-by-one, and stared at the BananaBoat2000. Fruit-flies were swarming and it had turned a filthy color, something like a hue of "Firestone" tires. "Well, I'll be!" exclaimed H.T. [Meanwhile, high above them...]

"Yooooo." "What good, Fellatio?" asked Benito, plunging is bright, flashy Whammo-ing spoon deep into the soft underside of the Kiwi5000. "Shlllllop." "Mmmmm" thought Benito, "Dat's some good kiwi flava!" The hairy, outer-hull and husk of the Kiwi5000 was quite sensitive and Dr.Felllatio could feel the spoon's effect from deep inside over his communicator's loud-speaker, which he had had the misfortune to place on "High Volume". "What, in the name of the Holy Bung-Hole is that?" wondered Dr.Felllatio outloud. "Um, I think Benito's trying to shpoon us", said ProfBackdoor. "He ish shpooning ush, you blishtering idiot!" exclaimed Dr.Felllatio, raising his voice. "Only trying to help, sir. You don't need to shout. We are flying in a giant Kiwi, afterall." "And maybe you enjoy getting a spoonful of juicy kiwi up the ass, ProfBackdoor, but I certainly do NOT!" responded an irate Dr. Felllatio. "Well" he said again, collecting himself. "I do fancy a sour, Kiwi-flavored condom... BUT that is only on special occasions (!), such as the Coming of the Kiwi from a lowly kiwi-shed on Kiwi-mas with bananas and pineapples standing by..." -- "Oh, well, I don't take too well to those Mystery-fruit celebrations..." muttered ProfBackdoor. "Just because you haven't seen the Coming of the Kiwi for yourself, doesn't give you the right to... oooooohh!" And Dr. Felllatio takes one in the ass. "Holy shit!" said ProfBackdoor, "You really took one up the ass, there!"

Dr. Felllatio: "Ooohhhh...."

Prof. Backdoor: "Hey, you're having all the fun! I wanna get some kiwi action my... ooohhhhh."

And another spoon breaks through the kiwi's inner-core, if kiwi's had 'inner-cores', but who's counting... Dr. Felllatio and ProfBackdoor feel the juices of the kiwi seeping in from all sides as their heads wipe up against the sides of the Kiwi5000. "Oooohhhh" they utter with glee. Felllatio is getting a particularly good workout as he goes 'Balls of Fury' style on the kiwi's inner-core. Then, Benito's head emerges as he has eaten through the kiwi's outer-layer to the inside of the Kiwi5000. "Mmmmmm, mmmmmmm, good." says Benito, making Dr. Felllatio and Prof. Backdoor eat their own ways to the outside of the KiwiBoat. "Ahhhh," squeeled Prof. Backdoor, "My eye-lids are stuck together!" "Too bad your tongue's so small!" said Dr. Felllatio, licking off the gooey substance with delight, and enjoying the view from above. But it does not last, for half of the Kiwi5000 is eaten up quick in short order by Benito, and thereby do the aerodynamics of the Kiwi5000 change and shift such that up becomes down. Dr. Felllatio and his faithful Prof. Backdoor, behind him all the way, are now hanging upside down in mid-air at 'zero-G's and Benito is saying "Surfs up!" as he cruises toward the moon's surface again in an epic landing. One, two, three times: what is left of the Kiwi5000 skims against the liquidy surface, but finally hits against a large yellow object, and sliding against lots of large, square pieces of ice and large-ish bubbles as they all come to splashy conclusion in the sweet red lake. Benito licks his lips as Dr. Felllatio and Prof. Backdoor struggle mightily to free their heads. He exclaims, "Why, this isn't the moon! It seems we've landed in the punch!"

Next time, on the Adventures of Team Whammo:
DO IT YOURSELF RECIPES: "How to make a wicked Whammo punch!"
Brought to you by "Mini-Bartender", the edition sponsored and signed by Team Whammo!