DrFelllati0937: Omg! I wish you were nearby, Prof. Backdoor. I'm having some major difficulties with this bottle of wine.
ProfBakDor0928: Holy COW! That is such a coincidence. I was just hoping to have a bottle of white with my dinner downstairs.
DrFelllati037: ProfBack, you weren't just about to get your sexy back downstairs, now, were you? You know, we don't play like that, player!
ProfBakDor0928: I know, but those dark spaces really turn me on! It's like so bft 60's, especially with all the black-light posters we got going on down there.
DrFelllati0937: Well, aren't you just a 'lil SSE! I could just put you in a 'lil sauce and fry you with shishkabobs!
ProfBakDor0928: Oh, Doc, you know that the kabobs don't taste half as decent without the special sauce!
DrFelllati0937: You mean, the soy saucy sauce? That somekind of speciall sauce which melts all around the inside of the mouth and then goes toward a drippy conclusion, the likes of which Whammo, for better or worse, will be a conglomeration of the most hyperbolic state gooo-ey pleasure the likes of which this galaxy has ne'er seen in...
{BEEP!} "You have reached your cell-phone's character-limit."
(Together) Muhaha. Muhahahaha. Muuuuuhahaha! Muuuhahaaahaaa {BEEP!}
ASTROSTARWHAMMOPWRS0237: yOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS!
DrFelllati0937: What? How did he get this number?
ProfBakDor0928: He must have hacked onto the computer mainframe VIA satellite, sir.
ASTROSTARWHAMMOPWRS0237: Haha. Whammo!
DrFelllati0937: Alright. ttyl, BakDor.
ProfBakDor0928: Peace out.
At that moment, there is a sound of shattering ice from high above Dr. Felllatio's evil harem of Hell as Benito breaks through, though he experiences a little trouble due to his parachute which gets caught on some of the ice above. Resourceful as ever, Benito cuts himself free with his mini-laser watch and descends to the metal floor without so much as a scratch.
Benito: "No, you peace out!"
Prof. Backdoor: How could he tell what I was texting?
Benito: Easy, I read your dirty, little mind. I may be young with the 'whammo', but I'm still not a bad mind-reader, when push comes to shove. You could well use a mind-reader on your side, I wager.
Dr. Felllatio: We'll put you to the challenge, Benito. If you want to join us, you've got to first defeat Austen 'Whammo' Pwers in hand-to=hand combat.
Benito: C'mon, Pwers. Let's see what you got!
Austen: Oh, Benito. How young you are with the whammo, compared to Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!!
{A brawl then takes place between Benito and Powers. Austen's powers then being weaker after experiencing the torture Of IM instant-messaging and dr. felllatio's text messages, does not fare as well as when his Whammo powers were up to speed. Benito pins him in a half-Nelson on the floor, sticking his face in Felllatio's birthday cake}
Dr. Felllatio: Easy on the cake there, Benito.
Benito: What're you going to do about it, then?
Dr. Felllatio: Challenge you to a game of Soduku.
Benito: Alright, you're on! [Game of Soduku ensues and Benito loses miserably.]
Benito (to Team Whammo): I need back-up!
Alright, Dr. Felllatio, you won at Soduku, but that is a game worthy of dogs who chew the morning papers for breakfast. How about two out of three? This time we'll play a game of my choice: Tic-Tac-Toe!
Dr. Felllatio: Fine. Bring it, Benito! [This game ends in a stale-mate.]
While you may be stronger in the Whammo these days, Benito, it seems you lack staying power!
Benito: Enough! I challenge you to a head-to-head bout of Dance, Dance Revolution!
Dr. Felllatio, in his pride, and thinking that he's still in the 60's or something, does not turn down the challenge. Just as they are about to start on the super-duper fast, mix-it-up section, Team Whammo arrives, crashing through the rest of the ceiling as Benito hits his Star Power. Coming to a crash landing, Team Whammo rolls out of the BANANA Boat in their hoola-skirts and Steph the Friendly Smurf immediately runs over to help Benito as they combine their Whammo-ing powers on the dance pad, picking up a double score! Prof. Back Door tries to back-up his partners, but to no avail. Team Whammo then takes a crate of banana peels from the boat's disposal unit, dumping it on top of Austen to bring his Whammo powers back to their senses. With Austen's powers restored, the balence of Whammo is restored to the galaxy, and there was much rejoicing. "What happened to Dr. Felllatio?" asked Colonel DeSantis after all the excitement had died down on the dark side of the moon. "I thought I could pick up a trick or two..."
"The took off in the giant kiwi!" boomed the Captain's voice from somewhere undetermined, perhaps near the ceiling. And so was Team Turbo left to wonder, but Benito didn't wait around long enough to find out. "peace out!" reflected Benito, and flew off on another adventure .
Next Time in the Adventures of Team Whammo... Beating back the urge to Whammo!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Special Thanksgiving Double-Feature! Team Whammo and the Dark Side of the Moon, Part II
This Thanksgiving was happily being celebrated by all aboard the BANANA Boat h37 by the entire host of Team Whammo, as the First-Mate was just then getting busy on General Turbo's sushi-roll, which was soon dribbling with copious amounts of soy-sauce, as well as the Admiral and the Colonel, who had found themselves backing into the custodial closet with much to-do, seeking out their own soy-sauce among the upper shelves, even as Chewmicca was becoming exceedingly interested in Brad the Bard's 'Robo-Dog' who was just then turning a bright shade of magenta and rosy round the face and ears, as Steph the Friendly Smurf was beginning to give Benito interesting, inscrutible facial expressions, even as she spun KFish round ala dossey-do, en route themselves towards the custodian's closet, hoping for a tasty treat, and Brad and Laura at the controls were carving up their own healthy-sized portion of Whammo, as Laura took a break from her Second-Mate position alongside H.T. to try her hand at the Whammo-ing joystick, which hummed and vibrated as they deftly manouvered over the dark side of these here moons.
Suddenly, the Captain rang in for Benito.
The Captain: Benito, have you made contact with Austen 'Whammo' Pwers, yet?
Benito: Well, no, Captain, can't say that I have. I did feel a disturbance in the Whammo, just now, I must admit, but Team Whammo's a bit, how shall we say, busy at the moment.
The Captain: Busy?! I thought you guys were on a mission to save Austen 'Whammo' Pwers from losing his Whammo. Do you have any idea what will become of Austen without his Whammo powers?? The whole fate of the power of Whammo in the galaxy is at stake here!
Benito: Like I say, Team Whammo...
The Captain: For the love of whammo, you've got to get to the dark side, pronto!
{Moaning can be heard from the custodial closet, as well as the faucet in the bathroom, which is turned on full blast, but the sound of the golden Air-Toilette 5000 can still be heard flushing at regular intervals.}
Benito: Now that you mention it, I do remember something in 'The Whammo Times' about Dr. Felllatio needing a new assistant. Maybe I'm the man for the job!
The Captain: No, Benito, absolutely not! I did not mean to insinuate that you should seek to join the actual dark side. I was speaking of the dark side of the moon as you could of course... Benito? Beniiiitoooooo!
Suddenly, the Captain rang in for Benito.
The Captain: Benito, have you made contact with Austen 'Whammo' Pwers, yet?
Benito: Well, no, Captain, can't say that I have. I did feel a disturbance in the Whammo, just now, I must admit, but Team Whammo's a bit, how shall we say, busy at the moment.
The Captain: Busy?! I thought you guys were on a mission to save Austen 'Whammo' Pwers from losing his Whammo. Do you have any idea what will become of Austen without his Whammo powers?? The whole fate of the power of Whammo in the galaxy is at stake here!
Benito: Like I say, Team Whammo...
The Captain: For the love of whammo, you've got to get to the dark side, pronto!
{Moaning can be heard from the custodial closet, as well as the faucet in the bathroom, which is turned on full blast, but the sound of the golden Air-Toilette 5000 can still be heard flushing at regular intervals.}
Benito: Now that you mention it, I do remember something in 'The Whammo Times' about Dr. Felllatio needing a new assistant. Maybe I'm the man for the job!
The Captain: No, Benito, absolutely not! I did not mean to insinuate that you should seek to join the actual dark side. I was speaking of the dark side of the moon as you could of course... Benito? Beniiiitoooooo!
But it was too late. At this moment, Benito had jumped through the escape-hatch, leaving Team Whammo behind to their frivolities, and was now hurtling through the clouds down towards the surface of the dark side of the moon
]Meanwhile[
....
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Team Whammo and the Dark Side of the Whammo/ Moon Raker with a Whammo-Stick
So it's been a while since we last saw Team Whammo in action, so to speak, and after all that good turkey, no wonder they were all feeling a little bit sluggish after their picnic on the beach, but do briefly recap...
Team Whammo was just about to get down and dirty with some "Sexy Pop", as Em and Nick were backing it up against the door, while KFish was slip-sliding her way towards the party, and Steph the "Very Friendly" Smurf was just getting her groove on, about to rock it across the universe and beyond the Smiley Way, as Benito and Turbo were holding high their double-fisted toasts in Thanksgiving, when the Captain phoned in with some exciting news: "Looks like a got your ticket out of there, guys!"
Team Whammo: "Awwww..."
Nick in his hoola-skirt and Courtney with her coconut-bra were making sour faces, upset that their spontaneous swamp-side frivolity was being cut short. "Well, isn't that some mean Whammo!"
"Yeah..." continued the Captain. "Anyways, like I was saying, I can get you out, but your going to have to locate 'ol Austin on the far side of the moon. He's got the booster packs you'll need to rocket past this border planet. Commander Twelker could explain it better, but he's on Earth...."
Turbo: "Not Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!"
The Captain: "The same."
Benito: "Well, in that case you can just forget it, Cap'n. There's no way were going all the way to the dark side of the moon to find some hill-billy whose come all the way out here to reconnect with the universe, or some dumb shit like that. Hell, we can't even find our way out of this swamp, and...."
The Captain: "Patience, El Benito. You are still young in the ways of the Whammo and..."
Benito: "Aww, don't give me that Whammo crap. Who believes in the powers of Whammo these days anyhow?"
{Team Turbo looks at Benito, amazed at this audacious statement. It could have just been the light from a 'triple-shot sun', but it was almost as if Admiral Nelson's coconuts noticably began to sag at that moment.}
"Yeah, c'mon. We all know that the powers of Whammo are short-lived. Yes, it gives off short bursts of energy, given the right applications, and in the right situation can lead to brilliant spouts of Whammo for those who are well with the Whammo, but there is also the darker side of Whammo to consider. I mean, we don't even know the whereabouts of Dr. Felllatio and his evil henchmon, Professor Backdoor #2.....
Captain: "I do."
Benito: "Yeah, it's because of people like them that Whammo is so fuckin'... what? You know their coordinates as well??"
Captain: "Yes, as I was about to say, they are holding Austen for ransom on the dark side of the moon."
Steph the Friendly Smurf: "Not Austen! But what about his 'Whammo powers'?
{Benito looks surprised, taken aback that this little smurf should know anything of the powers of the Whammo.}
Captain: "I cannot say, but this much is certain. You must find Dr. Felllatio and his evil henchmon in order to save Austen and restore to him his Whammo powers, in order to use his booster rockets to rocket on past the dark side of the moon, or else the fate of Team Turbo will hang in the balence and potentially be submitted to random and perverse acts of Whammo."
BenitoL: Sounds righteous!
Chew-micca: "Rough."
{The Captain rolls his eyes. General Abbott's looks concerned and wears a furrowed brow.}
The Captain: "Alright, well don't say I didn't warn you! I'm texting you the coordinates... now."
Turbo: "Not all is well with the Whammo." Courtney (in the background): "That's original! Ha!}
Suddenly, Brad and Laura whisk in from behind a coconut tree in a hover-craft, shaped like a giant banana. The front peels open, scooping them all up, and they are all whisked away.
H.T.: HOw do ye like are new B.A.N.A.N.A. h37? iT'S just come on sale on Planet Canadalia and...
Canadalia (turning around with a wide, toothy smile for Team Whammo): ...we went for it!
Team Turbo: Sweeeeeet.
[Meanwhile, on the dark side of the moon...]
Dr. Felllatio is speaking to Austen 'Whammo' Pwers through a large straw ): as he endeavors to hear, but is having trouble as the Bad Doctor keeps dribbling and making a mess, even as the Bad Professor, dressed in sweat clothes and red in the face, towels it all up afterward.
Dr. felllatio927: What are the coordinates of the Whammo Secret Base?
Austen: I dunno. Why don't you ask Team Whammo?
Dr. felllatio927: I'm warning you Pwers! I've got a super-STD-enhancing Lazor, model 9271, orbiting around this moon. And, yep, you guessed it. I'm not afraid to use it!
Austen: Ooh, I'm so scared of your giant lay-ser! Ha! You can't touch me. I'm Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!
ProfBackDor272: Not without your Whammo powers, you ain't!
Dr. felllatio927: That's right. You tell 'em, Backdoor!
ProfBackDor272: Thanks, Dr. Fellll. wtg
Dr. felllatio927: yeah, right. wwwjd.
ProfBackDor272: wdygi?
Dr. felllatio927: wtc.
ProfBackDor272: But did you hear what emf232 had to say?
Dr. felllatio927: No, what was his tgif?
ProfBackDor272: He was like 'ews' to your 'nwrp'!
Dr. felllatio927: lol. Too funny. Backdoor, you're such a fuia!
Austen: Alright, enough with the IN-stan-MESS-aging!
Dr. Felllatio: Right. Austen, we want you to do something for us....
Austen (getting very annoyed now): What do you bimbos want, anyway? Gay sex? 'Cause I'm not adverse to...
Dr. Felllatio (with a glance at Prof. Backdoor): No, I mean, yes, I mean...that is...we want you to die.
Austen: {gulp}
Dr. Felllatio: And by die, I mean a figurative death by having very awkward, drunnken Whammo with a close friend...
Austen: ????
Dr. Felllatio (smiling broadly now and holding up a spiked, smiling dildo, which strangely enough, looks exactly like Dr. Felllatio's head!): "And this!"
{Austen, feeling really weirded out at this point, panics and kicks himself in the balls. That action triggers a re-action on the part of Team Turbo, that is, the male half of Team Turbo, having been getting busy in back with some high-quality, space-age Beer-Pong aboard B.A.N.A.N.A. Boat h37, all suddenly drop to the floor in spasms of pain. General Abbott and Colonel Desantis hop up first, being strong in the Whammo, not to mention those morning wake-up calls after a long night of Beirut and Boozahol.}
KFish: What was that?
Admiral Nelson: You guys eat some bad sushi or something?
Colonel DeSantis: Nah, nah, we're cool. Just a little turbulence in the back of the cabin, that's all.
Courtney (looking around, bewildered): Turbulence? I didn't feel any turbulence...
Turbo: Cheer up, Blindey. You know I'm the only Turbo-lence you feel.
Benito (pointing out the window): Looks like we're getting close to the dark side (of the moon)!
Admiral Nelson: "Who feels like singing?"
Benito: "The Dark Side of the Moon" by R.E.M.?
Admiral Nelson: No, silly. THE song.
Benito: "Oh, right...
Team Turbo: "It's Whammo; it's whammoooo...."
[To be continued...]
Team Whammo was just about to get down and dirty with some "Sexy Pop", as Em and Nick were backing it up against the door, while KFish was slip-sliding her way towards the party, and Steph the "Very Friendly" Smurf was just getting her groove on, about to rock it across the universe and beyond the Smiley Way, as Benito and Turbo were holding high their double-fisted toasts in Thanksgiving, when the Captain phoned in with some exciting news: "Looks like a got your ticket out of there, guys!"
Team Whammo: "Awwww..."
Nick in his hoola-skirt and Courtney with her coconut-bra were making sour faces, upset that their spontaneous swamp-side frivolity was being cut short. "Well, isn't that some mean Whammo!"
"Yeah..." continued the Captain. "Anyways, like I was saying, I can get you out, but your going to have to locate 'ol Austin on the far side of the moon. He's got the booster packs you'll need to rocket past this border planet. Commander Twelker could explain it better, but he's on Earth...."
Turbo: "Not Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!"
The Captain: "The same."
Benito: "Well, in that case you can just forget it, Cap'n. There's no way were going all the way to the dark side of the moon to find some hill-billy whose come all the way out here to reconnect with the universe, or some dumb shit like that. Hell, we can't even find our way out of this swamp, and...."
The Captain: "Patience, El Benito. You are still young in the ways of the Whammo and..."
Benito: "Aww, don't give me that Whammo crap. Who believes in the powers of Whammo these days anyhow?"
{Team Turbo looks at Benito, amazed at this audacious statement. It could have just been the light from a 'triple-shot sun', but it was almost as if Admiral Nelson's coconuts noticably began to sag at that moment.}
"Yeah, c'mon. We all know that the powers of Whammo are short-lived. Yes, it gives off short bursts of energy, given the right applications, and in the right situation can lead to brilliant spouts of Whammo for those who are well with the Whammo, but there is also the darker side of Whammo to consider. I mean, we don't even know the whereabouts of Dr. Felllatio and his evil henchmon, Professor Backdoor #2.....
Captain: "I do."
Benito: "Yeah, it's because of people like them that Whammo is so fuckin'... what? You know their coordinates as well??"
Captain: "Yes, as I was about to say, they are holding Austen for ransom on the dark side of the moon."
Steph the Friendly Smurf: "Not Austen! But what about his 'Whammo powers'?
{Benito looks surprised, taken aback that this little smurf should know anything of the powers of the Whammo.}
Captain: "I cannot say, but this much is certain. You must find Dr. Felllatio and his evil henchmon in order to save Austen and restore to him his Whammo powers, in order to use his booster rockets to rocket on past the dark side of the moon, or else the fate of Team Turbo will hang in the balence and potentially be submitted to random and perverse acts of Whammo."
BenitoL: Sounds righteous!
Chew-micca: "Rough."
{The Captain rolls his eyes. General Abbott's looks concerned and wears a furrowed brow.}
The Captain: "Alright, well don't say I didn't warn you! I'm texting you the coordinates... now."
Turbo: "Not all is well with the Whammo." Courtney (in the background): "That's original! Ha!}
Suddenly, Brad and Laura whisk in from behind a coconut tree in a hover-craft, shaped like a giant banana. The front peels open, scooping them all up, and they are all whisked away.
H.T.: HOw do ye like are new B.A.N.A.N.A. h37? iT'S just come on sale on Planet Canadalia and...
Canadalia (turning around with a wide, toothy smile for Team Whammo): ...we went for it!
Team Turbo: Sweeeeeet.
[Meanwhile, on the dark side of the moon...]
Dr. Felllatio is speaking to Austen 'Whammo' Pwers through a large straw ): as he endeavors to hear, but is having trouble as the Bad Doctor keeps dribbling and making a mess, even as the Bad Professor, dressed in sweat clothes and red in the face, towels it all up afterward.
Dr. felllatio927: What are the coordinates of the Whammo Secret Base?
Austen: I dunno. Why don't you ask Team Whammo?
Dr. felllatio927: I'm warning you Pwers! I've got a super-STD-enhancing Lazor, model 9271, orbiting around this moon. And, yep, you guessed it. I'm not afraid to use it!
Austen: Ooh, I'm so scared of your giant lay-ser! Ha! You can't touch me. I'm Austen 'Whammo' Pwers!
ProfBackDor272: Not without your Whammo powers, you ain't!
Dr. felllatio927: That's right. You tell 'em, Backdoor!
ProfBackDor272: Thanks, Dr. Fellll. wtg
Dr. felllatio927: yeah, right. wwwjd.
ProfBackDor272: wdygi?
Dr. felllatio927: wtc.
ProfBackDor272: But did you hear what emf232 had to say?
Dr. felllatio927: No, what was his tgif?
ProfBackDor272: He was like 'ews' to your 'nwrp'!
Dr. felllatio927: lol. Too funny. Backdoor, you're such a fuia!
Austen: Alright, enough with the IN-stan-MESS-aging!
Dr. Felllatio: Right. Austen, we want you to do something for us....
Austen (getting very annoyed now): What do you bimbos want, anyway? Gay sex? 'Cause I'm not adverse to...
Dr. Felllatio (with a glance at Prof. Backdoor): No, I mean, yes, I mean...that is...we want you to die.
Austen: {gulp}
Dr. Felllatio: And by die, I mean a figurative death by having very awkward, drunnken Whammo with a close friend...
Austen: ????
Dr. Felllatio (smiling broadly now and holding up a spiked, smiling dildo, which strangely enough, looks exactly like Dr. Felllatio's head!): "And this!"
{Austen, feeling really weirded out at this point, panics and kicks himself in the balls. That action triggers a re-action on the part of Team Turbo, that is, the male half of Team Turbo, having been getting busy in back with some high-quality, space-age Beer-Pong aboard B.A.N.A.N.A. Boat h37, all suddenly drop to the floor in spasms of pain. General Abbott and Colonel Desantis hop up first, being strong in the Whammo, not to mention those morning wake-up calls after a long night of Beirut and Boozahol.}
KFish: What was that?
Admiral Nelson: You guys eat some bad sushi or something?
Colonel DeSantis: Nah, nah, we're cool. Just a little turbulence in the back of the cabin, that's all.
Courtney (looking around, bewildered): Turbulence? I didn't feel any turbulence...
Turbo: Cheer up, Blindey. You know I'm the only Turbo-lence you feel.
Benito (pointing out the window): Looks like we're getting close to the dark side (of the moon)!
Admiral Nelson: "Who feels like singing?"
Benito: "The Dark Side of the Moon" by R.E.M.?
Admiral Nelson: No, silly. THE song.
Benito: "Oh, right...
Team Turbo: "It's Whammo; it's whammoooo...."
[To be continued...]
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