Whammoing the Crap Outta Cancer

Lieutenant’s Log, Stardate 00200230:

The phones blare now as innumerable numbers of S.O.S. calls stream into the Team Whammo main ship, deckout out in all of its Canadian glory, from numerous parts of the galaxy from innumerable numbers of cancer-ward victims, who were stricken with a serious strain of cancer following a massive, comet wind-storm that arose out of nowhere around the cancerous constellation, known to many as that dreaded shape: “Cancer”. Team Turbo was a little slow to respond as their great and fearless leader, Le Chef Turbo, had cook up himself a whopping 99 different types of alcoholic beverages the night before from all around the Milky Way, including from the planet known as ‘Icelandia’, which is one hunk of ice. Yet deep under the surface is a dark liquid strain of liquid swirl, which some refer to as ‘Long Island Ice Tea’ because the best place to extract said beverage is from an island on the middle of this planet, surrounded by liquid called ‘Tripple Sec’ because of its rate of the tide being changed three times in one second, although others claim that once drunk, this has the power to give on three orgasms in one second, which is according to the definition of Le Chef: “Coming, going out for a bit, and starting up again.” Of course, the Whammo increases exponentially depending on the number of shooting stars, but let us not get too carried away in the metaphor, for it's all in the name of Whammo. Yet and in any event, the famous Icelandic brand lies far under the ice island[1], hence its name of ‘Long’, yet others claim that its name has other origins… something akin to Rainbow Trouts and their unusually long lengths when it comes time to swim up stream, taking together with their Beaver friends. Trust me, these are Benito words of wisdom: “Take a little rolled Maple Leaf, Beaver’s hash, and your Rainbow Trout, and you’ve got a night worthy of the best of any big fish, smash Friday night. Now that’s a cure for cancer if I have ever heard one! {I remember the time when me and the Captain were back at the original HQ in the Quairillion Sector and there was a surprise attack from a nearby friendly flyer, stealing the prized Maple-Leaf Mirror of untold power and mystery, but that’s another story…”} Although not fully understood, the effect of the mirror is something attune to the mileage underwater that Rainbow Trouts travel when diving deep for walrus eggs in Alaska, due to the fact that these trouts must hold their breaths for so long that they feel as if they’ve gone through a major spin factor/ have just finished celebrating "4/20". In addition, the crew of Team Turbo was kept up late at night due to the repairs they were making to the Starship “Whammo!” including repairing the “Turbo Drive”, and there were some reports of a special access card malfunction reported during another one of the training exercises, called the ‘V-card’. Yet the Captain’s expertise in this matter came to bear fruit in plenty, for after pondering the matter fully on the ‘Holla-deck’, he came up with the solution, restoring to full capacity the prized ‘V-card’. Suffice it to say, he found a special program on the ship’s computer networking interface, which allowed him to erase all viruses on said card. “Score!” exclaimed the Captain. And there was much singing of “Oh, Canada” late into the evening. Much later that evening….
The Turbo Crew is locked in an epic duel between camps and it coming down to the wire! Now reporting live, the winning team of 2nd-mate Bradley H.T., our Medical Officer, and Corporal Laura ensign. Due to the shocks and treatment provided by the Captain’s special assistant, Laura Whakim, the Captain is down, luxuriating on the floor by the fire with the last thing on his mind as that of finding a cure for cancer, as Laura applies the treatment. Although having taken previous measures to avoid said ‘gigglies’, apparently further applications of treatment are currently being administered, leading our team to slightly disorganized appearance, yet the Captain continues to fire away with fair success. During this procedure, Laura must stay cautious, being careful not to smoke the Captain’s aces as the ship’s engines have been firing their booster engines as they round the Galaxy’s Cape of Good Hope for a Cure for Cancer around the planet called ‘Saturnalia’. And now the grueling aspects of the exercise are commencing as each team must meet the challenges set down by all the other teams, namely that of jumping over flaming paper bags while singing the Canadian national anthem and eating mysterious bagel-brownies in the nude. It is such joy as jumping through hoops of fire after taking a burning shot, and then laughing with a galactic-banta-bowling-ball stuck on one’s head, engraved with the Canadian flag in crimson red. Le Chef at one point accidentally dropped a veggie burger on Chewmicca’s paw, causing her to jump and scare Courtney, as well as the Chief Medical officer, who jumped up in such a fright that she ran into the side of the tent, knocking it over. Upon which, Admiral Nelson jumped to avoid it into the arms of Colonel DeSantis, whose bowling ball then fell from the top of his head onto the Captain, luxuriating below and causing him to run away yelling, “My buns are burning!” To which the Lieutenant followed with his candle to assist Laura in any way possible, managing to find a birthday cake for breakfast along the way, and that is how the Captain got his first tattoo. But that is how the Kirby Cookie crumbles. The Cancerous Cookie, on the other hand, continues to crumble…
[1] According to most surveys, this brand of ‘Long Island Ice Tea’ lies about 9.5 miles below water.